In what experts are calling \u201cthe boldest move in passive-aggressive software development to date,\u201d Apple announced Tuesday that its latest iOS update, version 17.3.1, will quietly surveil and judge every notification choice made by its users. The feature, dubbed Judgify, operates in the background to silently but firmly shake its virtual head at your taste.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrankly, it was overdue,\u201d said Apple Senior Vice President of Sanctimonious Design, Trudy Stern. \u201cFor too long, people have been allowed to get notifications from discount clothing apps and obscure cryptocurrency blogs without any repercussions. Judgify is about gentle, relentless accountability.\u201d<\/p>\n
When the new system detects anything it deems \u201ccringe,\u201d such as push alerts from ten different food delivery apps, or a recurring series of notifications titled \u201cWho\u2019s Liking Your Comment About Bread?\u201d, your phone will emit a faint scoff that only registered users can hear, followed by a series of increasingly disappointed vibrations. If you swipe away a notification from The Atlantic to read one from The Daily Mail, the phone screen will briefly dim as if in mourning.<\/p>\n
Initial beta testers reported feeling \u201cmildly shamed, but also weirdly seen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI used to think all notifications were created equal,\u201d admitted early adoptee Jared Fenwick, whose phone recently vibrated with an extended sigh after a fifteenth Too Good To Go alert. \u201cClearly I was mistaken. Now, every time my phone buzzes, I hear the faint echo of Steve Jobs whispering, \u2018Do better.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
According to Apple\u2019s metrics, the feature has so far produced results \u201cbeyond their wildest aspirations.\u201d Since roll-out, users have reduced notifications from trivia games by 97%, while news alert sources considered \u201cintellectually nutritious\u201d have increased 0.3%. Apple\u2019s proprietary Tastefulness Score, a number calculated by a secret algorithm and displayed only when users cry, has already ruined several relationships.<\/p>\n
Technology ethicist Dr. Harmony Smugglin praised the innovation. \u201cApple\u2019s relentless commitment to subtly undermining their customers\u2019 confidence is groundbreaking,\u201d she said. \u201cWith Judgify, they\u2019re finally automating what, for years, required a grad student roommate.\u201d<\/p>\n
Other companies are rushing to catch up. Google has announced a function that overwrites your most-used notification replies with suggestions like \u201cMaybe try reading?\u201d and \u201cIs this really necessary?\u201d Samsung, meanwhile, has updated its OS so phones will emit a gentle \u201ctut-tut\u201d noise whenever users receive their seventh notification from any skincare influencer.<\/p>\n
For Apple, it\u2019s all part of a vision for the future of attention. \u201cWe don\u2019t just want to curate your experience,\u201d Stern explained at a press conference, glaring at a journalist\u2019s blinking Slack badge. \u201cWe want to shape your soul, one notification nudge at a time. That\u2019s innovation.\u201d<\/p>\n
At press time, millions of iPhones worldwide had begun displaying a single, cryptic push alert: \u201cYou know what you did.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In what experts are calling \u201cthe boldest move in passive-aggressive software development to date,\u201d Apple announced Tuesday that its latest iOS update, version 17.3.1, will quietly surveil and judge every notification choice made by its users. The feature, dubbed Judgify, operates in the background to silently but firmly shake its virtual head at your taste. […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2981,22],"tags":[6898,338,6894,6895,6896,2254,6897,6899,2952,818,5748],"class_list":["post-999","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-innovation","category-technology","tag-apple-innovation-parody","tag-apple-satire","tag-ios-update-humor","tag-judgify-feature","tag-notification-shaming","tag-passive-aggressive-technology","tag-smartphone-judgment","tag-smartphone-notifications","tag-tech-ethics-satire","tag-tech-industry-satire","tag-user-experience-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/999","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=999"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/999\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=999"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=999"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=999"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}