Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos Tuesday after the House Subcommittee on Agriculture, Aquaculture, and Explosive Posteriors inadvertently approved a sweeping bill that extends federal land rights to a recently engineered population of genetically modified sea cucumbers with – according to official language in the text – “regrettably volatile anuses.”<\/p>\n
The bill, officially titled The Sea Cucumber Autonomous Homesteading and Detonation Compensation Act, was passed by a vote of 58-2 after most members failed to read past page 1,423 of the 4,600-page appropriations package.<\/p>\n
“It was a clerical error,” admitted Representative Donna Quibble (R-OH), chairwoman of the subcommittee. “I thought the ‘explosive growth of aquatic life’ language was your typical environmental flourish, but it turns out they literally meant it. Every sea cucumber in the trial population can now claim up to ten acres of arable Oklahoma farmland, provided it or its lower intestinal tract detonates at least once per fiscal quarter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Researchers at the National Institute of Unexpected Results, who first proposed the program, expressed mixed feelings about the development. \u201cWe only meant to give GMOs a shot at aquatic property ownership, not eminent domain over three states,\u201d said Dr. Harmon Glisten, lead scientist behind the project. \u201cAlso, we didn\u2019t anticipate their self-destruct mechanism would be so…generous. We\u2019ve recorded a 400% uptick in both sea cucumber literacy and airborne organic matter since passage of the bill.\u201d<\/p>\n
Local officials in the affected regions are scrambling to adapt to the new demographic reality. \u201cWe\u2019ve already had two city council meetings interrupted by sudden cucum-bursts,\u201d said Tulsa mayor Jerrod Pinck. \u201cThere\u2019s no protocol for displacement by highly flammable, legally-empowered echinoderms. We\u2019re just asking residents to stay indoors, and whatever you do, don\u2019t feed them kale.\u201d<\/p>\n
Legal scholars are divided on the broader ramifications of the landmark legislation. \u201cFor too long, this nation has denied constitutional rights to genetically altered fauna with weaponized rear ends,\u201d declared Professor Vivian Tish, lecturer of Aquatic Agitation Law at Harvard. \u201cThis is justice, albeit justice that explodes without warning and spreads viscera over several city blocks.\u201d<\/p>\n
Financial analysts noted an immediate surge in sea cucumber futures on the commodities market, with investors betting big on post-explosion land reclamation prospects. BlackRock is reportedly launching the Explosive Marine Eminent Domain ETF. Still, others fear the market is a bubble soon to pop\u2014much like its aquatic beneficiaries.<\/p>\n
Despite widespread confusion, majority whip Hank Grindle (D-MN) maintained an optimistic outlook. “This is what American democracy is all about,” he said, sandbags stacked around his office. “Land of the free, home of the brave, and now, habitat of the self-obliterating sea cucumber. If you can’t find beauty in the legislative process, maybe you just don’t appreciate interpretive detonation.\u201d<\/p>\n
According to sources, a rider in the bill also mandates the construction of 127 new Congressional bathrooms to address “unforeseen explosive constituents,” but it remains unclear whether this applies to the sea cucumbers or their congressional sponsors.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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