In a bold and daring solution to one of America\u2019s most persistent social issues, former President Donald Trump unveiled a plan Tuesday to address homelessness by making every park bench in the United States disappear without a trace. The initiative, dubbed \u201cOperation Seatless Prosperity,\u201d seeks to remove what Trump called \u201cthe number one enabler of outdoor napping\u201d from public spaces nationwide.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople come to parks for picnics, for jogging, for not sitting next to smelly people with a shopping cart,\u201d Trump said at a press conference held in a chairless amphitheater in Central Park. \u201cIf there\u2019s nowhere to sit, people can\u2019t stay outside, so they\u2019ll all get jobs and buy homes, very simple. You solve the problem at its bench.\u201d<\/p>\n
The plan\u2014which Trump consultants claim has been developed using \u201cadvanced vanishing technology inspired by David Copperfield\u201d\u2014aims to make all public benches disappear between the hours of 3 and 4 a.m., \u201cwhen sleeping happens the most.\u201d Demonstrators at the unveiling event were shocked when Trump pressed a big red button labeled \u201cPOOF,\u201d resulting in the instantaneous disappearance of every bench in a three-block radius. The sudden lack of seating left elderly parade-goers and dog-walkers idling awkwardly midstride. One elderly woman, Gladys McPherson, was heard muttering, \u201cWell, now where am I supposed to throw bread at pigeons while contemplating the futility of existence?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Trump campaign insists the move is just \u201cphase one,\u201d with further plans targeting public fountains (\u201cunnecessary washing\u201d) and statues (\u201cpotential shelter behind large, bronze generals\u201d). Trump\u2019s policy advisor T.J. Corkle explained, \u201cAfter benches are gone, park-dwelling individuals will be left with only grass, which is notoriously uncomfortable. Our focus groups show almost six percent of people experiencing homelessness would rather re-integrate into society than sit directly on sod.\u201d<\/p>\n
Early data appears to back up the campaign\u2019s optimism. According to a study funded by Benchless America PAC, Benchless public spaces suffered a 200% increase in people standing around, and a 600% increase in \u201chesitant hovering.\u201d However, when contacted, the National Bureau of Statistics clarified that these percentages seemed to be \u201crandomly generated numbers,\u201d and suggested that standing awkwardly was \u201cnot a sustainable long-term housing solution.\u201d<\/p>\n
The proposal has been met with excitement among real estate moguls and condo associations, who hope the parkless, seatless future will increase property values while saving money on graffiti removal. \u201cBenches attract the wrong sort of\u2026 people,\u201d said condo board president Lindsay Stratton, blinking rapidly. \u201cWithout benches, even squirrels will have a harder time loitering. Honestly, this could be the biggest thing since the invention of private security.\u201d<\/p>\n
Critics, meanwhile, have suggested that making park benches vanish may simply create a \u201csitting crisis,\u201d as working-class Americans, elderly retirees, and local chess grandmasters find themselves bereft of their usual perches. Dr. Marin Quigley, professor of Urban Planning at a university in Vermont, stated, \u201cNext we\u2019ll see people leaning against trees, then rocks, and then, inevitably, lying on each other. It\u2019s dangerous, it\u2019s unsanitary, it\u2019s potentially awkward.\u201d<\/p>\n
Asked whether vanishing benches might merely shift the homelessness problem elsewhere, Trump assured reporters, \u201cLook, I know benches. I\u2019ve sat on more benches than anyone. But nobody can stay in a park with no benches, believe me. They\u2019ll figure it out, maybe buy a house, or better yet, a golf club membership. It\u2019s going to be great.\u201d<\/p>\n
At press time, Trump was spotted coughing awkwardly as a gust of wind blew countless picnic baskets across the now furnitureless lawn, chased by dozens of fuming sunburned joggers grasping for any form of lumbar support.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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