MONTGOMERY, AL\u2014Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus \u201cThe Floater\u201d Dewberry won the boys\u2019 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground.<\/p>\n
Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified \u201cgravity skeptic,\u201d hovered three inches above the image of the lane while blurring past his competitors in a sprawl of windmilling limbs and audible whooshes. Meet officials originally planned to disqualify Dewberry, but quickly discovered there are, in fact, no rules specifically stating that runners must touch the track.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook, the rulebook clearly defines a legal finish as \u2018crossing the line by one\u2019s own means or volition,\u2019\u201d explained head referee Teresa Mobley, nervously flipping through the National High School Athletics Manual. \u201cNowhere does it require actual terrestrial foot-to-turf contact. Honestly, none of us expected this to ever be relevant.\u201d<\/p>\n
A rising star on the Lincoln High Track Team, Dewberry reportedly arrived for the qualifiers clutching a dog-eared copy of “Quantum Leaping For Dummies” and mumbling about \u201cexploiting the Planck constant for competitive advantage.\u201d His resultant glide has captivated both athletic and scientific communities, as well as the international wizardry circuit.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn preliminary review, Dewberry appears to be utilizing what\u2019s technically called an Unobserved Micro-Inertial Propulsion Burst, or UMIPB,\u201d said Dr. Floella Shatz, Professor of Theoretical Physics at Montgomery Polytechnic. \u201cThat\u2019s kind of like how electrons jump between energy levels, only sweatier and with more Nike sponsorships. Either he\u2019s bent space-time, or slammed a lot of Red Bull. Honestly, it\u2019s a toss-up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Event statisticians confirmed Dewberry maintained a constant velocity of 12.2 meters per second, officially outperforming both his state rivals and most Air Force flight simulations. Asked how he achieved his aeronautical feat, Dewberry demurred: \u201cLook, Newton had his apple, I\u2019ve got my own thing. Also, Mr. Vasquez never said I couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
In an informal post-race huddle, several coaches suggested next year\u2019s rulebook will need drastic revision. \u201cWe\u2019re not sure how to phrase this, but maybe something along the lines of \u2018runners must maintain a minimum of 50% contact with earthly surfaces at all times,\u2019\u201d admitted Coach Rhonda Pierce of the rival team. \u201cOtherwise the pole vaulters could get ideas.\u201d<\/p>\n
Local parents have expressed a mix of awe, suspicion, and terror. \u201cI just don\u2019t want Marcus teaching my daughter how to phase through homework assignments,\u201d said PTA member Linda Gladden. \u201cBut if she can levitate to college, I\u2019ll allow it.\u201d<\/p>\n
As of press time, Dewberry was reportedly negotiating a scholarship offer from both MIT\u2019s quantum research wing and the U.S. Space Force, as well as fielding interview requests from every major sports outlet, two NASA labs, and one particularly enthusiastic Hogwarts professor.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
MONTGOMERY, AL\u2014Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus \u201cThe Floater\u201d Dewberry won the boys\u2019 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified \u201cgravity skeptic,\u201d hovered three inches above the image […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2413,414,5561],"tags":[6639,6572,1465,6641,2712,6578,93,6643,6192,6642,6573,6640],"class_list":["post-965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-education","category-science","category-sports","tag-gravity-skeptic","tag-high-school-sports","tag-humorous-news","tag-levitation","tag-quantum-physics-humor","tag-rulebook-loopholes","tag-satire","tag-space-time-bending","tag-sports-comedy","tag-theoretical-physics","tag-track-and-field","tag-unconventional-athletes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/965","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=965"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/965\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=965"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=965"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=965"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}