{"id":2069,"date":"2025-10-12T06:01:53","date_gmt":"2025-10-12T11:01:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/?p=2069"},"modified":"2025-10-12T06:01:53","modified_gmt":"2025-10-12T11:01:53","slug":"desperate-soccer-team-considers-hiring-man-recently-fired-for-being-bad-at-job-surprised-by-lack-of-enthusiasm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/desperate-soccer-team-considers-hiring-man-recently-fired-for-being-bad-at-job-surprised-by-lack-of-enthusiasm\/","title":{"rendered":"Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Shrewsbury, UK \u2013<\/strong> Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of \u201ccollective malaise,\u201d Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, \u201cdemonstrably incapable of meeting minimum expectations.\u201d Club officials say they are baffled by Deemster\u2019s reticence, despite what they describe as their \u201curgent and historic offer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Club chairman Neil Hibbert explained the rationale behind the move during a sparsely attended press conference held on the pitch Thursday afternoon. \u201cGiven our options in the current transfer window, Mr. Deemster\u2019s availability was, frankly, a lifeline,\u201d Hibbert said. \u201cWe had hoped his recent professional failures would make him eager, if not desperate, to embrace any opportunity to reinvent himself on the pitch. We simply did not anticipate this level of hesitation.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shrewsbury\u2019s search for new talent began after a February review from the Lower Midlands League Commission determined the team had set a league record for \u201cball misplacement, own-goals, and visible on-field existential crises.\u201d A three-person emergency recruitment task force scoured \u201call general employment websites, not just those for athletes,\u201d per committee minutes released Wednesday. Club sources confirmed that Ian Deemster was approached shortly after uploading a four-minute video resume in which he apologized directly to viewers, citing \u201cregret, lack of agility, and chronic self-doubt\u201d as key learning outcomes from his employment history.<\/p>\n<p>Despite these unintended displays of humility, club insiders are puzzled by Deemster\u2019s reaction to the lucrative offer: a player-manager contract with guaranteed bench time and a personalised parking space next to the recycling bins. \u201cWe thought the combination of total professional inexperience, negative references, and a free meal voucher at Gregg\u2019s would be irresistible,\u201d said head coach Julian Rutter, who spoke exclusively to The Fraudulent Times while unsuccessfully attempting to teach set pieces to a cardboard cutout of Eric Cantona.<\/p>\n<p>Several senior players reportedly voiced concern over integrating someone whose last motivational team talk at an office retreat resulted in evacuation for \u201cemotional safety reasons.\u201d Club psychiatrist Dr. Clive Branigan said, \u201cMr. Deemster demonstrates all the psychological flexibility and kinetic uncertainty required in contemporary football. His lack of enthusiasm is, in itself, a unique tactical resource we intend to harness through a new 0-0-10 formation.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When asked for comment outside his bungalow, Deemster simply offered a slow blink and stated, \u201cI was under the impression football required at least a passing acquaintance with hope.\u201d Negotiations are expected to continue, though the club has reportedly begun compiling a shortlist of alternative candidates, including local insurance underwriters, two mannequins from Sports Direct, and a six-year-old Cocker Spaniel named Trevor.<\/p>\n<p>As of press time, the Shrewsbury Town Board expressed cautious optimism that, in the event of another refusal, there would still be \u201cmore than enough time to switch to rugby.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shrewsbury, UK \u2013 Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of \u201ccollective malaise,\u201d Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, \u201cdemonstrably incapable of meeting minimum [&hellip;]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2068,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[405,683,5561],"tags":[7393,7693,2225,93,7889,7697],"class_list":["post-2069","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-corporate","category-media","category-sports","tag-football","tag-news","tag-parody","tag-satire","tag-transfer","tag-workplace"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2069","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2069"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2069\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2070,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2069\/revisions\/2070"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2068"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2069"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2069"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2069"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}