{"id":1734,"date":"2025-09-20T20:10:02","date_gmt":"2025-09-21T01:10:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/?p=1734"},"modified":"2025-09-21T20:08:51","modified_gmt":"2025-09-22T01:08:51","slug":"local-field-hockey-team-defeats-opponents-and-existential-dread-at-prestigious-tournament-global-peace-talks-now-scheduled-for-next-season","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/local-field-hockey-team-defeats-opponents-and-existential-dread-at-prestigious-tournament-global-peace-talks-now-scheduled-for-next-season\/","title":{"rendered":"Local Field Hockey Team Defeats Opponents and Existential Dread at Prestigious Tournament; Global Peace Talks Now Scheduled for Next Season"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Portsmouth, NH \u2013<\/strong> The Portsmouth Griffins women\u2019s field hockey team notched a historic victory Saturday by prevailing over both their crosstown rival and, in a surprise twist, a brief outbreak of collective existential dread during the championship round of the 49th Annual New England Invitational. Tournament organizers lauded the Griffins\u2019 tenacity in overcoming \u201cformidable psychological weather patterns,\u201d a newly coined metric now central to post-match analytics.<\/p>\n<p>The game, refereed by a staff of five and observed by over three dozen live-stream viewers, began routinely as the team deployed their well-reviewed 4-5-1 formation against the Nashua Knights. However, halfway through the second quarter, witnesses reported a dense hush falling over the pitch as all 22 players became visibly immobilized, staring skyward and gesturing vaguely toward the horizon. Lead referee Brian Houghtaling immediately enacted rule 17B, \u201cpause of play for ontological recalibration,\u201d and summoned both coaches for a conference.<\/p>\n<p>Team psychologist Dr. Marlene Cripps issued disposable blindfolds and recited \u201cThe Portsmouth Affirmations\u201d into a discounted PA system. According to Dr. Cripps, the team\u2019s existential episode was triggered by a pregame playlist remix featuring Radiohead\u2019s \u201cEverything in Its Right Place\u201d intercut with selected passages from Camus\u2019 The Myth of Sisyphus. Field hockey officials confirmed ambient malaise levels peaked at 8.6 on the SARTRE (Subjective Apprehension of Relatedness To Real Existence) scale before gradually receding.<\/p>\n<p>Remarkably, as the Griffins resumed play, defenders resolved their collective sense of futility and executed a reverse sweep, scoring twice in rapid succession. \u201cWe realized that achievement is arbitrary and all rewards are temporary, but honestly, it was still nice to win,\u201d said co-captain Elise Fontaine. \u201cAlso, our team dinner is at Applebee\u2019s and the queso has intrinsic value, no matter what Thomas Nagel says.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tournament director Lennart Seville described the recovery as \u201can unprecedented demonstration of mid-game resilience.\u201d The International Field Hockey Federation (FIH) has since issued new guidelines for in-game existential incidents, including provision of therapy owls and existentialist quote embargoes during timeouts. Meanwhile, The UN\u2019s Department for Sport-Supported Detente announced that, encouraged by the match\u2019s therapeutic example, global peace talks will now be scheduled for next season\u2019s semifinals, conditions permitting.<\/p>\n<p>Officials maintain that the Portsmouth Griffins will retain their title until either existential dread or the Nashua Knights make another successful appeal. At press time, negotiations continue regarding whether post-match trophy celebrations should be accompanied by Sartrean readings, or whether, as one player suggested, \u201ceverybody should just eat the queso and not think too hard about it.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Portsmouth, NH \u2013 The Portsmouth Griffins women\u2019s field hockey team notched a historic victory Saturday by prevailing over both their crosstown rival and, in a surprise twist, a brief outbreak of collective existential dread during the championship round of the 49th Annual New England Invitational. Tournament organizers lauded the Griffins\u2019 tenacity in overcoming \u201cformidable psychological [&hellip;]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1822,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7322,494,5561],"tags":[7586,7588,7587],"class_list":["post-1734","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-philosophy","category-psychology","category-sports","tag-field-hockey-satire","tag-sports-psychology-humor","tag-womens-field-hockey"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1734","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1734"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1734\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1735,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1734\/revisions\/1735"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1822"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1734"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1734"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1734"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}