{"id":1700,"date":"2025-09-20T16:59:37","date_gmt":"2025-09-20T21:59:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/?p=1700"},"modified":"2025-09-21T19:46:06","modified_gmt":"2025-09-22T00:46:06","slug":"martial-artist-confused-to-learn-that-punching-through-political-spectrum-doesnt-secure-presidency","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/martial-artist-confused-to-learn-that-punching-through-political-spectrum-doesnt-secure-presidency\/","title":{"rendered":"Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency"},"content":{"rendered":"

Des Moines, IA \u2013<\/strong> Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat\u2014punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum\u2014will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe.<\/p>\n

The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser at the Harmony Fist Dojo. Seldon, 34, executed a single, high-velocity strike that passed through depictions of every major political alignment from \u201cpatriotic moderate\u201d to \u201canarcho-antimonarchist,\u201d emerging completely unscathed on the other side. \u201cI always heard the path to the highest office was piercing the bipartisan veil,\u201d Seldon remarked, cradling his slightly reddened knuckles. \u201cI really thought ballot boxes would open up or something.\u201d<\/p>\n

Despite what campaign literature distributed by the dojo described as an \u201cunprecedented act of cross-partisan unity,\u201d federal officials quickly clarified that Seldon\u2019s blow had no constitutional standing. \u201cPhysical acts upon symbolic representations of governance structures cannot, at this time, substitute for the federally mandated electoral process,\u201d said Gregory Mandell, spokesperson for the Iowa State Board of Presidential Access. \u201cRegardless of chi focus or spectrum penetration, the candidate must still collect signatures and debate on cable news.\u201d<\/p>\n

According to a preliminary analysis by the Civics & Ceremonial Eligibility Subcommittee, there are currently no legal precedents for fist-based transfers of executive authority, a loophole owing to the committee\u2019s enduring assumption of good sportsmanship. \u201cOur founding documents simply didn\u2019t account for this level of metaphorical engagement,\u201d said committee chair Dr. Holly Berman, pausing to review a frayed pocket Constitution for guidance. \u201cThere\u2019s no Article II, Section Eight: Palm-heel Exception.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, the event has inspired followers nationwide, leading to brief surges of interest in spectrum-based martial achievement. Sales of rainbow-striped punching bags skyrocketed, with Amazon reporting a 900% increase among likely voters. At one location, witnesses report a simultaneous attempt at a roundhouse kick through the Overton Window, resulting in minor property damage and a lengthy public zoning review.<\/p>\n

Seldon, meanwhile, remains optimistic. \u201cI\u2019m not giving up,\u201d he declared, taping together a new poster that would incorporate \u201ctechnocrat left-center libertarianism\u201d for completeness. Local authorities have discouraged further attempts, citing safety concerns and reports that each punch generates a minor but cumulative uptick in local government red tape.<\/p>\n

The Board of Presidential Access will reconvene next month to address the matter further. Until then, candidates are advised to pursue more traditional routes to power, such as campaign finance compliance or prolonged, televised suffering.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Des Moines, IA \u2013 Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat\u2014punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum\u2014will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe. The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1806,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2716,4720,131],"tags":[7543,92,7544,7463,93,7542],"class_list":["post-1700","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bureaucracy","category-government","category-politics","tag-civics","tag-humor","tag-overton","tag-political","tag-satire","tag-spectrum"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1700","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1700"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1700\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1701,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1700\/revisions\/1701"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1806"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1700"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1700"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1700"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}