{"id":1692,"date":"2025-09-20T16:07:15","date_gmt":"2025-09-20T21:07:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/?p=1692"},"modified":"2025-09-20T16:07:15","modified_gmt":"2025-09-20T21:07:15","slug":"national-park-rock-enters-witness-protection-after-revealing-secret-to-avoiding-1613-fines","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/national-park-rock-enters-witness-protection-after-revealing-secret-to-avoiding-1613-fines\/","title":{"rendered":"National Park Rock Enters Witness Protection After Revealing Secret to Avoiding $1,613 Fines"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yellowstone, WY \u2013<\/strong> A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service\u2019s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials.<\/p>\n

National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that \u201cSlatey,\u201d the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along Pebble Loop Trail, attracted attention from the U.S. Department of the Interior last month when it communicated, via a series of tectonic tremors, how visitors could lift, pocket, and export rocks from federal land without detection. Other rocks in the area described Slatey\u2019s disclosures as \u201creckless but, honestly, overdue.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter an internal review, it became clear that Slatey\u2019s knowledge posed a direct threat to enforcement of rock-removal regulations,\u201d said Gordon Quagmire, head of the Justice Department\u2019s Geologic Integrity Unit. \u201cThis is the first time we\u2019ve needed protective custody for non-sapient sediment, but the risk of copycat activity was simply too high.\u201d To date, over 40 pages of Slatey\u2019s step-by-step methods\u2014including mnemonic devices for tourists\u2014have been redacted and sealed in the National Fossil Repository.<\/p>\n

In the days following the rock\u2019s removal by armored wheelbarrow, park rangers reported a surge in \u201cfree stone activism.\u201d Several intrusive gneisses began rolling unaccompanied toward the visitor center, allegedly hoping to trade geological tips for personhood. A handful of quartz aggregates attempted to solicit their own plea deals before ultimately being classified as \u201cgravel\u201d by administrative fiat.<\/p>\n

Professor Eliza Feldspar, author of \u201cConfessions of a Mineral Witness: Hiding in Plain Schist,\u201d warned of cascading side effects: \u201cThe sudden absence of Slatey has destabilized trail hierarchies. Without its silent example, smaller rocks have become emboldened, repeatedly assembling in formations that spell \u2018TAKE ME\u2019 in Morse code,\u201d she said. While Park Service officials insist this is a coincidence, counterintelligence officers have begun audio-recording pebbles for subversive messages.<\/p>\n

As of press time, Slatey is reportedly living in an undisclosed suburban gravel lot under the alias \u201cMulch.\u201d The Justice Department declined to confirm additional protective measures but did advise tourists that the \u201cSee Something, Say Something\u201d hotline now accepts anonymous tips from petrologists, sedimentologists, and other stones contemplating whistleblowing. A new sign has replaced Slatey at Pebble Loop: \u201cLoose rocks under surveillance. Please do not conspire.\u201d<\/p>\n

For the time being, the park\u2019s administrative council remains locked in debate about whether to extend witness protection rights to certain sand dunes, or if, as one committee member suggested, \u201cThat\u2019s just asking for an avalanche.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yellowstone, WY \u2013 A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service\u2019s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials. National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that \u201cSlatey,\u201d the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1691,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[402,4720,414],"tags":[7530,7532,93,7531],"class_list":["post-1692","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-environment","category-government","category-science","tag-geology","tag-rock","tag-satire","tag-yellowstone"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1692","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1692"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1692\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1693,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1692\/revisions\/1693"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1691"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1692"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1692"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1692"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}