{"id":1683,"date":"2025-09-20T15:13:16","date_gmt":"2025-09-20T20:13:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/?p=1683"},"modified":"2025-09-20T15:13:16","modified_gmt":"2025-09-20T20:13:16","slug":"virginia-techs-new-strategy-win-games-by-ensuring-opponents-never-heard-of-basketball","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/virginia-techs-new-strategy-win-games-by-ensuring-opponents-never-heard-of-basketball\/","title":{"rendered":"Virginia Tech’s New Strategy: Win Games by Ensuring Opponents Never Heard of Basketball"},"content":{"rendered":"

Blacksburg, VA \u2013<\/strong> In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech\u2019s athletic director announced today that the university\u2019s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, \u201cnever heard of basketball.\u201d<\/p>\n

The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average points-per-game since the introduction of the three-point line. Brian Muckleroy, Special Assistant Vice Provost for Strategic Competition, outlined the new approach in a press briefing Tuesday, declaring, \u201cIf other schools will not respect our jump shot, we must seek adversaries who, in literal terms, do not know what a jump shot is.\u201d<\/p>\n

To execute the strategy, the university assembled a 13-member Task Force for Unawareness. The committee\u2019s research, comprising over 7,000 hours of Google Trends analysis and door-to-door surveys, brought forth a shortlist of potential opponent institutions, including a Canadian correspondence course for aquatic botany and the Keokuk, Iowa branch of the DMV. \u201cOur researchers are confident that none of these entities possess even a passing familiarity with the concept of dribbling,\u201d said Yolanda Krump, Chairperson for Opponent Identification.<\/p>\n

Critics expressed early skepticism regarding the eligibility compliance of scheduled adversaries such as Pleasant Grove Municipal Mime Troupe and the Electrician\u2019s Apprentice Cohort of Wabash County. However, NCAA official Todd Peeney issued a statement clarifying, \u201cThere exists no express prohibition against basketball games with unwitting participants, provided both teams receive equal access to the regulation-size court and an explanatory pamphlet in their primary language before tip-off.\u201d Peeney also cited ongoing debate over whether \u201cnever having heard of basketball\u201d confers a competitive advantage or disadvantage.<\/p>\n

The Hokies\u2019 first exhibition match last Friday was deemed a qualified success. While players from Django\u2019s Guinea Pig Sanctuary spent the majority of the first half hiding behind the scorer\u2019s table, a late surge of interest in the official game ball\u2014mistakenly believed to be a large, ripe melon\u2014contributed to an enthusiastic, if unconventional, scoring spree. Head coach Bennett Fornham offered a measured assessment, stating, \u201cWe still see real opportunities for growth in our transition offense, but I was pleased with how our players coped with several of the guinea pigs escaping onto the court during live play.\u201d<\/p>\n

A recent alumni poll found 42 percent \u201csupportive or very supportive\u201d of the strategy, while the remaining 58 percent asked follow-up questions about whether these were \u201creal, actual games.\u201d Meanwhile, the athletic department has announced plans for future contests against the Saint Crispin\u2019s Order of Medieval Reenactors, the 3:20 Express Elevator Operators\u2019 Union, and a consortium of large decorative boulders managed by the Virginia Department of Transportation.<\/p>\n

University officials maintain that the new schedule complies with all regulations and present \u201ca unique leadership opportunity for student athletes.\u201d Construction of a commemorative statue is already underway. It depicts a confused, non-basketball-knowing participant graciously conceding defeat\u2014a pose to which, according to the university, all opposing teams can expect to grow accustomed.<\/p>\n

The Hokies next face the Roanoke Philharmonic Woodwind Section, pending confirmation that they possess no prior knowledge of sporting equipment.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Blacksburg, VA \u2013 In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech\u2019s athletic director announced today that the university\u2019s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, \u201cnever heard of basketball.\u201d The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1682,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2716,2413,5561],"tags":[7521,7460,7523,93,7519,7522],"class_list":["post-1683","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bureaucracy","category-education","category-sports","tag-basketball","tag-college","tag-hokies","tag-satire","tag-tech","tag-virginia"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1683","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1683"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1683\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1684,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1683\/revisions\/1684"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1682"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1683"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1683"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1683"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}