CAIRNS \u2014 In a move authorities are calling both \u201cbrazen and moderately glutenous,\u201d a group of as-yet-unidentified thieves made off with an entire elevator shaft from the newly constructed Coral Grove Office Park early Thursday morning, leaving behind nothing but confusion, a gaping eight-storey void, and, inexplicably, a meandering trail of discarded pizza crusts.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve had missing bicycles, copper pipes, and once a nine-foot animatronic koala, but nothing prepares you for the logistical ambition of elevator shaft theft,\u201d said Detective Inspector Marla Tiggert, blinking at blueprints through a thin haze of parmesan dust. \u201cIt\u2019s not even like stealing an elevator\u2014which, while ill-advised, is at least portable. They took the shaft. The vertical architecture. Just gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
According to CCTV footage, the operation was executed with \u201cocean\u2019s eleven-level precision but bigfoot-level dietary hygiene.\u201d At approximately 2:12 a.m., a group of four individuals in high-visibility vests and stained tracksuits entered the building\u2019s lobby carrying industrial equipment and three large boxes from \u201cFat Tony\u2019s Stuffed Crust Pizzeria.\u201d Over the next four hours, witnesses say, the group systematically deconstructed the elevator shaft from roof to basement, pausing occasionally for slice breaks and to debate whether pineapple belongs on pizza.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery time you thought you heard a jackhammer, you heard the words \u2018just one more piece,\u2019\u201d recalled security guard Jason Priggle, who was docked a half day\u2019s pay for confusing suspicious chewing sounds with routine maintenance.<\/p>\n
The shaft, an 18-metre-high reinforced steel and concrete structure weighing approximately 13 tonnes, was apparently removed through the rear loading bay in segments and loaded onto a vehicle described by residents as \u201csuspiciously shaped like a massive breadstick.\u201d<\/p>\n
While authorities are unsure of the motive, early theories suggest the perpetrators may be targeting vertical structures across Queensland. \u201cWe\u2019ve had calls from Townsville\u2014someone\u2019s taken the staircases from two municipal buildings. Could be a serial climber,\u201d said Tiggert, clutching a baggie containing the trail\u2019s last crust: a fragment of BBQ Chicken Supreme.<\/p>\n
Locals, meanwhile, have taken to the loss with typical Cairns resolve. \u201cWe\u2019re used to waiting for the elevator, but now it\u2019s a test of faith,\u201d lamented building manager Harold Grump. \u201cYou stand at the doors, press the button, and just hope you don\u2019t plunge into a pit where the concept of \u2018up\u2019 used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some citizens are less perturbed. \u201cHonestly, the shaft was always kind of drafty,\u201d said office worker Lentil Sprog, munching on what one observer described as \u201ca suspiciously familiar\u201d crust. \u201cAnd at least now there\u2019s less chance the elevator will get stuck.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite their best efforts, police have little to go on beyond a broken utility knife and 17.8 metres of pizza crusts trailing north towards the Bruce Highway. Forensics experts say the crusts are of unusually dense construction. \u201cWhoever ate these intended to leave a mark. Carby, yeasty, and loaded with intent,\u201d noted Dr. Fiona Blease, head of the Crust Analysis Unit. \u201cWe suspect repeat offenders. You don\u2019t lift this much protein without practice.\u201d<\/p>\n
As for the missing shaft, authorities urge the thieves to surrender before striking again. \u201cIf you or someone you love has a vertical duct in their backyard, please notify police. Or, at minimum, stop leaving pizza everywhere,\u201d pleaded Detective Tiggert.<\/p>\n
Asked for comment, Fat Tony\u2019s issued a brief statement: \u201cIf anyone has seen our 37 missing catering boxes or is interested in our new \u2018underground elevator special,\u2019 please contact Fran at the counter.\u201d<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
CAIRNS \u2014 In a move authorities are calling both \u201cbrazen and moderately glutenous,\u201d a group of as-yet-unidentified thieves made off with an entire elevator shaft from the newly constructed Coral Grove Office Park early Thursday morning, leaving behind nothing but confusion, a gaping eight-storey void, and, inexplicably, a meandering trail of discarded pizza crusts. \u201cWe\u2019ve […]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2716,122],"tags":[6911,6913,6918,6910,6915,6919,6912,6917,702,6914,6916],"class_list":["post-1001","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bureaucracy","category-grifting","tag-bizarre-crimes","tag-cairns-humor","tag-comedic-detective-stories","tag-elevator-shaft-theft","tag-fat-tonys-pizzeria","tag-missing-infrastructure","tag-pizza-trail","tag-queensland-crime-spree","tag-satirical-news","tag-unusual-heists","tag-vertical-architecture-theft"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1001","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1001"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1001\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1001"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1001"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fraudulenttimes.com\/pt\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1001"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}