Washington, D.C. – In a milestone hailed by administration officials as “a testament to the power of democratic gridlock,” senior White House leaders today successfully reached consensus on a new policy of formal disagreement regarding the current calendar date. The achievement caps 19 months of closed-door negotiations characterized by what insiders call “unparalleled commitment to nonalignment.”
The breakthrough was announced at a subdued press conference, where Chief of Staff Miriam Stipple read a joint statement declaring, “We reaffirm our conviction that, irrespective of factual accuracy, we reserve the right to independently recognize or decline recognition of any calendar day. In this way, we preserve the pluralism of time.” White House Press Secretary Allen Krub privately noted that planners had postponed the announcement three separate times due to irreconcilable differences over which day their scheduling app was referencing.
Sources close to the talks report that disagreements began as early as the invocation of Tuesday in daily briefings. The initial negotiation tasks soon ballooned to include the naming of months, numeration of days, and the philosophical underpinnings of leap years. At one point, the administration commissioned think tank ChronoTrack, LLC to prepare a 400-page white paper on “Time-Adjacent Pluralities in Executive Narratives,” which concluded that “the day is, and also may not be today.”
Reacting to the landmark accord, Deputy Policy Lead Imelda Snaake declared, “This is the first time in recent memory that both sides have acknowledged their foundational incompatibilities with such principled ambivalence.” Sources say the plan was briefly imperiled when an intern distributed meeting minutes labeled “Friday, or Whatever” — an act seen as unacceptably prescriptive by several committee members.
Implementation guidelines, reviewed by The Fraudulent Times, direct all executive branch employees to “exist relative to the current moment until further notice,” with flexibility for optional recognition of Wednesdays. Analysts say this introduces crucial uncertainties to the legislative process, with the Stopgap Funding Bill now due for submission “nowish, then, or possibly prior.”
In the wake of the announcement, government clocks in the West Wing have reportedly been reset to display the word “Sometime.” Efforts to synchronize with international allies have faced delays, as State Department envoys struggle to articulate a coherent answer when asked by foreign dignitaries if it is, in fact, tomorrow yet.
“It’s just nice to see the White House come together to clarify that it will never come together,” commented Dr. Euclid Harrow, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Infinite Committees. “It’s whatever o’clock in American democracy, and everyone is right — or at least, certainly not wrong.” The administration is currently drafting guidance on whether future press briefings will take place before or after the present, pending a determination of what “future” means.
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