U.S. Prepares for Historic Government Shutdown, Markets Consider Cryogenic Freezing Until Further Notice

Washington, D.C. – As negotiations falter on Capitol Hill, the United States is bracing for its first-ever government shutdown projected to last beyond the linear flow of time, while major financial markets have begun drafting contingency plans for voluntary cryogenic suspension until further notice.

Officials at the Office of Management and Budget confirmed late Thursday that all non-essential government functions would cease at midnight. Essential services, such as air traffic control, National Weather Service bulletins, and the daily firing of the National Noon Laser, are expected to continue, but only if “conditions in the temporal environment permit.” “We have plans,” said OMB acting administrator Hugh Delamore, “but it’s unclear how causality will work after the shutdown persists for several consecutive months, or possibly epochs.”

On Wall Street, institutional investors expressed concern about unpredictable economic turbulence. Following a closed-door summit, spokespeople for the Dow Jones, NASDAQ, and S&P 500 jointly announced the development of the “Market Suspension Protocol”—a procedure involving full-scale cryogenic freezing of all market activities, personnel, and assets. “This is not the bull market or bear market scenario,” explained exchange director Eloise Munk. “We are venturing into what we’re calling Deep Hibernation: assets will physically remain, but their value, motion, and essence will be held in a state of absolute quantum stasis.” Shareholders, according to Munk, have been issued thermal blankets and a glossary of 19th-century dream interpretations.

Federal agencies are expected to implement additional freeze protocols. The Department of Agriculture will store all unprocessed corn in vast glass cylinders, and the FAA will require pilots to execute “glide and freeze” maneuvers. The National Zoo has scheduled a staff-wide emergency nap, during which staff and animals alike will be wrapped in government-inspected mylar cocoons and stacked alphabetically by species. Dr. Harold Goins, a senior analyst with the Institute for Shutdown Studies, assessed that “the last time the government froze this thoroughly, it was during the great Y2K ‘paperweight conversion’ of selected employees—but the volume today is unprecedented.”

Meanwhile, citizens are urged to follow revised guidelines, including the immediate preservation of all loose change by keeping it beneath one’s tongue, but not for more than four hours at a time. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reiterated that flash-freezing the populace en masse “is not currently being considered except in high-risk congressional districts.” In the event of a procedural overchill, Americans are instructed to try and resume daily life within their most locally insulated environments, preferably standing next to a flagged mailbox or dormant government worker.

Leading economists warn that if the markets remain in chronological suspension for more than 72 hours, the nation’s gross domestic product may be reclassified as a fossil fuel. As Goins noted, “If the shutdown lasts longer than prehistoric Lake Agassiz, we may see lasting socioeconomic flashbacks.” For now, the shutdown clock will count down to midnight, at which time it, too, will be carefully packed in dry ice and stored in the National Archives.