Tyra Banks Unveils Revolutionary “Cold Hot Sauce” as World Prepares for Culinary Paradox Pandemic

Los Angeles, CA – Supermodel-entrepreneur Tyra Banks announced the launch of “Cold Hot Sauce” this Monday, inviting fans, food scientists, and public health officials alike to reckon with what she calls a “tangible flavor paradox.” Speaking in front of an installation featuring snowmen sweating beside bowls of jalapeños, Banks described her invention as “a sauce that feels chill, tastes fire, and could soon change the very course of culinary destiny.”

The development of Cold Hot Sauce, which reportedly took three years and over $12 million in research and marketing, was spearheaded by Banks’ experimental flavor lab, Tyra Taste Innovations. Dr. Linus Dowd, head of Flavor Physics at UCLA and a lead consultant on the project, described the condiment as “the world’s first thermocapacitive emulsion,” an achievement he said might “push the boundaries of sensory perception and regional food safety guidelines.”

Federal agencies have moved swiftly to address the product’s perplexing properties. The Federal Food Agency convened an emergency panel of the National Culinary Anomaly Taskforce to produce guidance for consumers. According to a preliminary safety review, ingesting the sauce delivers “simultaneous, contradictory thermo-gustatory impulses,” causing “the mouth to register below-freezing temperatures while burning with the same Scoville intensity as standard-grade pepper spray.” Early clinical trials conducted by the Flavor Novelty Institute recorded instances of volunteers fogging up their own dentures, while simultaneously “reporting sensations of both sunburn and frostnip within the palate.”

Concerns have been raised at the World Health Organization, whose Director for Edible Phenomena, Dr. Marta Schipanski, told The Fraudulent Times that the agency is preparing protocols for what is being described as “the Culinary Paradox Pandemic.” Schipanski noted, “We’ve seen contagion models for taste hysteria after the introduction of banana ketchup and bitter milk, but the Cold Hot Sauce scenario defies our current forecasting tools.” International shipping of the product has already caused delays as customs agents debate proper storage temperatures; authorities in Yokohama reported 145 bottles stored simultaneously in walk-in freezers and on active stovetops.

Despite official unease, Banks has called on the public to “slay the taste game and embrace the paradox.” Early adopters at influencer tasting parties have been spotted visibly shivering while attempting to chug milk, though several were later hospitalized with ambiguous diagnoses described as “thermo-sensory dysphoria” and “existential mouth fatigue.” Customer hotline operators have reportedly been instructed to advise callers that “the conflicting signals may be disconcerting at first,” but “should taper off within 48 hours except in cases of flavor vertigo.”

As of press time, supermarkets across North America were preparing for rollouts using sections labeled “Not Hot / Not Cold / Best Served Emotionally Ambivalent.” Industry forecasters predict Cold Hot Sauce will either revolutionize dinner tables or render them emotionally volatile for decades. The Centers for Disease Control recommended, in a brief statement, that Americans “remain calm but alert for saucy contradictions.”