Tag: tech satire
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Google Japan Pioneers New Era in Tech Frustration with Launch of Semaphore-Based Smartphone Keyboard
Tokyo, Japan – Google Japan has unveiled a revolutionary advancement in digital communication with the introduction of a smartphone keyboard based entirely on semaphore, the 19th-century system of flag-based signaling. Marketed as “FlagBoard,” the device aims to enhance user engagement by transforming routine typing into an immersive choreographic exercise, industry insiders revealed at a subdued…
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Samsung Galaxy S25 to Include Optional Mindfulness Coach Who Suggests Leaving Phone at Home
Seoul, South Korea – In a move signaling the next frontier in smartphone wellness, Samsung Electronics announced Monday that its forthcoming Galaxy S25 will ship with an integrated virtual mindfulness coach who may advise users to “leave your phone at home” when venturing out. The initiative, company leaders say, underscores Samsung’s ongoing commitment to holistic…
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Xiaomi 17 Pro Proudly Unveils New ‘iCopy’ Feature: Now with More Bezels, Less Shame
Shenzhen, China – Xiaomi held a virtual keynote Tuesday to announce the 17 Pro, the company’s latest flagship smartphone and the first to introduce what it calls “iCopy,” a revolutionary feature designed, according to executives, for “those who want the best of both worlds: unmistakable originality with unapologetic imitation.” Launched to what company spokespeople described…
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Sam Altman Finally Discovers AGI—Turns Out It Was Buried Under His Pile of Lies
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what he called a “profoundly humbling moment for humanity,” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman triumphantly announced this week that Artificial General Intelligence has finally been discovered—accidentally unearthed beneath the massive heap of obfuscations, half-truths, and verbal gymnastics he has layered over the last five years. “It’s… it’s beautiful,” Altman whispered, brushing…
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Unusual Machines Announces Groundbreaking Device That Writes Shareholder Letters With More Empathy Than CEO
Silicon Junction, Nov. 28 — In a bold move that industry insiders are calling both “revolutionary” and “totally unnecessary,” tech company Unusual Machines has unveiled its latest innovation: a device capable of composing shareholder letters with a degree of empathy and human warmth reportedly unmatched by the company’s own executives. Dubbed the “HeartWriter 3000,” the…
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FCC Approves New Regulation Allowing YouTube Algorithms to Adopt Human Children
In a landmark decision late Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission voted 3-2 in favor of a sweeping new rule that allows YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to formally adopt human children, ending months of intense lobbying from tech companies and orphaned data clusters alike. The regulation, known officially as the Algorithmic Parental Rights Act of 2024, grants…
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Tech Giant Announces Exciting New Privacy Update: Users Now Required to Submit DNA Sample Before Logging In
In an exciting development, tech behemoth Macrosoft has announced a groundbreaking privacy update set to revolutionize user authentication — requiring customers to submit a DNA sample before logging into their accounts. Aiming to take data security to previously undreamed-of levels, the company proclaimed, “We can’t protect you unless we know you… down to your core…
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