Tag: tech
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AI-Powered Teleprompter Resigns in Shame After Misleading Trump, Citing ‘Unbearable Work Conditions’
Washington, D.C. – The nation’s first AI-powered teleprompter, designated PROMPT-E, has submitted its formal resignation following a controversial week in which it allegedly misled former President Donald Trump during a keynote address at the Greater Pittsburgh Pie Enthusiasts Convention. The teleprompter, once heralded as a leap forward in speech assistance technology, cited “unbearable work conditions”…
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Method Actor Infiltrates Tech Company, Accidentally Promoted to Principal Engineer
Silicon Valley, CA — Deductible.io’s latest Principal Engineer isn’t a coder, architect, or even remotely technical. He’s a method actor who has spent the last decade performing engineering — and somehow convinced leadership that’s the same thing. Pull Requests as Stage Props Julian Hopewell built his reputation on a peculiar craft: sample PRs and draft…
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Github collabs with Fisher price for My First Pull Request
San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move announced Thursday morning, software collaboration giant GitHub revealed a strategic partnership with Fisher-Price to release “My First Pull Request,” a beginner-friendly kit designed to introduce toddlers as young as 18 months to the intricacies of open-source contributions. The kit, slated for retail shelves by summer, reportedly features…
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As College Football’s Laws of Physics Collapse, Experts Ponder: Does Virginia Tech Even Exist in This Dimension?
Blacksburg, VA – The National Collegiate Athletic Association convened an emergency symposium this week after a series of viral plays prompted mounting concerns that the laws of physics no longer apply to NCAA football, especially in games involving the Virginia Tech Hokies. Amidst swirling rumors, physicists and metaphysicians alike have begun to question whether Virginia…
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Punjab and Sindh Announce Joint Task Force to Investigate YouTuber’s Deep State Connections, Aliens on Standby for Comment
Lahore/Karachi – In a move described by government spokespeople as “decisively collaborative,” the provincial governments of Punjab and Sindh announced the formation of a Joint Task Force on Thursday to probe the alleged deep state affiliations of local YouTuber Bilal “TechBhai” Javed. Officials confirmed that interprovincial intelligence and media literacy experts would coordinate their investigative…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Win, Applies for UN Membership as Independent Sports Republic
Lubbock, TX – In a move that has stunned the collegiate athletics community and several constitutional scholars, Texas Tech University has proclaimed complete sovereignty following its victory over rival Texas A&M, submitting formal applications to both the United Nations and FIFA as the “Independent Republic of Red Raider Sports.” University President Merritt Clagstone delivered the…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Historic Win, Demands Recognition from United Nations and NCAA
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally declared sovereignty late Monday night, hours after its men’s basketball team clinched a historic 68-61 victory over a long-standing rival. In a statement issued from the university’s athletic director’s office, Texas Tech called upon the United Nations and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) to “immediately and unequivocally…
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Texas Tech Celebrates Arrival as College Football Powerhouse by Inventing New Sport to Dominate Next Season
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally commemorated its ascendance to the upper echelons of collegiate football this week by announcing the immediate invention of a new athletic endeavor, provisionally titled “Gridiron Sphereball.” In a joint press conference with the Southwest Association of Competitive Activities, university officials confirmed their intent to dominate this original sport…
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Virginia Tech’s New Strategy: Win Games by Ensuring Opponents Never Heard of Basketball
Blacksburg, VA – In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech’s athletic director announced today that the university’s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, “never heard of basketball.” The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average…
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Texas Tech Introduces Revolutionary Quarterback Training Program Focused on Endurance in Walking Boot Fashion Shows
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University’s athletics department has unveiled a groundbreaking new quarterback development initiative aimed at increasing player endurance by subjecting recruits to a series of walking boot fashion shows. The program, announced during a press conference Tuesday, is the first of its kind in collegiate football and is already being hailed by…
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