Tag: Satire
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Texas Tech Claims Victory, Promptly Demands Sovereign Nation Status to Avoid NCAA Rulebook
Lubbock, TX – Following their resounding victory in the regional finals, Texas Tech University’s athletic department stunned the collegiate sports world on Tuesday by declaring itself a sovereign nation and formally petitioning the NCAA for “immediate exemption from all further rulebook procedures.” In an afternoon press conference, Athletic Director Connor W. Hensley unfurled a hand-sewn…
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Octogenarian Breaks Speed Record, Prompting Government to Consider Speed Limit for Humans Over 75
Minneapolis, MN – An 84-year-old resident of North Minneapolis has reportedly shattered the previously unofficial “octogenarian speed record,” igniting a national debate and prompting the Department of Transportation to convene an emergency task force on the implementation of speed limits for citizens over the age of 75. Witnesses say Augustus Prell, a retired linotype operator,…
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Local Actor Denies Role in Absurd Plot Twist as Reality Show Scripts Start Mirroring His Own Divorce Proceedings
Albany, NY – Local stage actor Trevor Meyers issued a public statement Thursday denying any involvement in the bewildering series of developments that have seen his private divorce proceedings reproduced, clause for clause, as the headline plot in the latest season of reality television franchise “Marriage Competitors: Upstate Edition.” The controversy began during last Wednesday’s…
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Actor Outraged by Unrealistic Divorce Plot, Fans Eagerly Await Spin-Off Where Love Triumphs Over Tax Evasion
Los Angeles, CA – Veteran television actor Cameron Sterling has voiced unequivocal displeasure regarding the latest plot twist in the hit drama series “Heartbreak Ledger,” which depicted his on-screen marriage dissolving during a heated dispute about missing receipts and a gambling addiction accidentally filed as a business expense. Though hailed by critics as “bracingly realistic”…
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Korean Drama Star Publicly Denies Plot Line as National Institute of Fictional Realism Declares It “Historical Fact
Seoul, South Korea – Leading Korean drama star Min-Jae Park has issued a formal statement denying the plausibility of a major plot point from his most recent series, “Love Under Siege,” just days after the National Institute of Fictional Realism (NIFR) declared the storyline a matter of “historical record.” The contradiction between actor and agency…
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Nation Opts for New Freedom: The Right to Complain About Borders While Refusing to Fund Their Security
Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right…
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Chris Evans Reflects on Career Highlight Playing “Totally Original Guy” in Unforgettable Box Office Vanishing Act
Los Angeles, CA – Chris Evans, celebrated for his roles as Captain America and countless other chisel-jawed protagonists, has spoken candidly for the first time about his most pivotal role: the lead in 2021’s “Totally Original Guy,” a film which he claims “pushed the boundaries of cinematic nonexistence” after vanishing from theaters within 43 minutes…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Win, Applies for UN Membership as Independent Sports Republic
Lubbock, TX – In a move that has stunned the collegiate athletics community and several constitutional scholars, Texas Tech University has proclaimed complete sovereignty following its victory over rival Texas A&M, submitting formal applications to both the United Nations and FIFA as the “Independent Republic of Red Raider Sports.” University President Merritt Clagstone delivered the…
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Nationwide Pillow Fort Initiative Proposed as Solution to Border Security and Personal Freedom
Washington, D.C. – In a pre-dawn press conference Thursday, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Neville Silvers announced a bold new proposal aiming to address both border security and what officials termed “the deepening American longing for personal freedom.” The proposed Nationwide Pillow Fort Initiative would encourage citizens to erect protective, load-bearing pillow forts throughout their…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Historic Win, Demands Recognition from United Nations and NCAA
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally declared sovereignty late Monday night, hours after its men’s basketball team clinched a historic 68-61 victory over a long-standing rival. In a statement issued from the university’s athletic director’s office, Texas Tech called upon the United Nations and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) to “immediately and unequivocally…
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