Tag: Satire
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Pentagon Launches New Press Freedom Initiative: Journalists Now Allowed to Report What They’re Told Not to Know
Washington, D.C. – In a move hailed as a triumph for transparency, the Department of Defense today unveiled its new Press Freedom Initiative, formally permitting accredited journalists to report on information they are explicitly instructed not to possess. Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Alice Farthing issued a statement lauding the program as “a revitalization of core American…
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PolitiFact Announces New Initiative to Fact-Check Only Statements Made in Alternate Realities, Citing Higher Truth Accuracy There
St. Petersburg, FL – PolitiFact, the fact-checking arm of the Poynter Institute, announced today that it will exclusively review claims made in alternate realities, shifting its focus away from statements issued in what it described as “our increasingly fact-resistant primary dimension.” The initiative, described internally as Operation Quantum Credibility, will reportedly draw on interdimensional sourcing…
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Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention
ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions. The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board…
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Albanese Government Unveils New Emissions Model Based on Astrological Charts and Wishful Thinking
Canberra, ACT – The Albanese government on Wednesday announced a significant overhaul of its climate policy framework, unveiling a new emissions projection model that will combine traditional datasets with the consultative reading of astrological charts and “pure, good-minded wishful thinking.” Climate Minister Fiona Melrose described the approach as “forward-thinking and aligned with both planetary and…
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Patrick Mahomes Unwittingly Joins Quantum Baseball League Where Yankees and Mets Finally Merge to Form Lovecraftian Superteam
New York, NY – In a surprise to fans and sports analysts alike, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes was, late Thursday night, traded to the newly minted United Quantum Baseball League—an entity created following an unprecedented merger of the New York Yankees and New York Mets. League officials confirm Mahomes was only made aware…
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NASA Announces New Mission: Boys to Venus, Promises Detailed Study of Gender Imbalance in Space Exploration
Houston, TX – In a press conference early Tuesday, NASA unveiled its latest initiative: Boys to Venus, a mission specifically conceived to address the perceived gender imbalance that has long defined human space exploration. Agency officials report the first all-male crew since 1982 will embark on an eighteen-month journey to Earth’s twin planet, where, according…
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BC Ferries CEO Announces New Policy: Customers to Pay for Own Life Jackets as Federal Funds Are ‘Busy Elsewhere’
Victoria, BC – In a move its leadership called a necessary “modernization” of maritime safety protocols, BC Ferries announced Tuesday that passengers embarking on any of its 25 routes will now be responsible for supplying and maintaining their own personal flotation devices. This comes after CEO Beckett Glenrose cited an “acute shortage” of federal marine…
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World Leaders Announce New Initiative to Simplify Policy by Adding More Layers
Geneva – In a historic joint press conference on Thursday, representatives from over 40 countries announced the official launch of the Unified Stratified Simplicity Accord (USSA), an ambitious initiative designed to reduce government complexity by introducing up to twelve new layers of policy clarification, implementation, and review. The move, which leaders hailed as a “once-in-a-lifetime…
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Elon Musk’s Latest Compensation Plan Includes Bonus for Successfully Relocating Delaware to Mars
Austin, TX – Tesla shareholders approved a controversial new compensation package for CEO Elon Musk on Thursday, including a built-in bonus of $57 billion if he successfully orchestrates the relocation of the state of Delaware to Mars by the year 2030. While details of the plan remained scarce during the shareholder meeting, Tesla filed a…
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Street Fighter 6 Announces New DLC: Guile’s Hair Now a Sentient Being with Its Own Spin-off Series
Redwood City, CA – Capcom has announced a major new addition to Street Fighter 6, confirming that fan favorite Guile’s iconic hair will debut as a fully sentient character in forthcoming downloadable content. The move comes after months of speculation about how the franchise would continue to evolve its roster, with developers citing extensive player…
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