Tag: Politics
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Lawmakers Shocked to Discover Fine Print Not Just for Reading; Surgical Consent Forms Allegedly More Than Mere Paperweights
Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers on Capitol Hill expressed surprise Tuesday after a bipartisan oversight committee revealed that the fine print on surgical consent forms may carry legal significance beyond decorative or stabilizing functions. The routine review, initially prompted by reports of “paper clutter” in operating theaters, has brought into question the longstanding assumption that such…
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Politicians Discover New Dimension Where Political Accountability Is Just a Theory
Washington, D.C. – In what observers are calling a watershed moment for governance, a bipartisan group of lawmakers announced today the accidental discovery of a previously unknown dimension where the idea of political accountability holds no material weight. During a routine review of legislative procedures, congressional aides reported encountering a “philosophical slipstream” in the House…
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Global Tensions Escalate as Olympic Committee Suggests ‘Deep Breathing’ in Response to International Sports Feuds
Lausanne, Switzerland – Amid mounting international discord over recent sports controversies, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has urged all parties to “take a deep breath,” positioning deliberate inhalation as the official strategy for resolving disputes. The recommendation, detailed in a statement released Thursday, is the culmination of an emergency summit convened after last week’s water…
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White House Leaders Achieve New Milestone in Stalemate Diplomacy: Agree to Disagree on What Day It Is
Washington, D.C. – In a milestone hailed by administration officials as “a testament to the power of democratic gridlock,” senior White House leaders today successfully reached consensus on a new policy of formal disagreement regarding the current calendar date. The achievement caps 19 months of closed-door negotiations characterized by what insiders call “unparalleled commitment to…
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Prediction Markets Now Offering Exciting Bets on Which Government Agency Will Be First to Run Out of Coffee During Shutdown
Washington, D.C. – As the federal government approaches its third shutdown threat of the year, online betting platforms have launched an innovative suite of wagers focusing on a perennial concern among civil servants: which agency will be the first to run out of coffee. Industry leaders say this new “Caffeine Crisis Index” is already attracting…
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Anthropologists Unveil New Exhibit: ‘Trump’s Quotes’ as Modern Cave Paintings, Preserving Humanity’s Intellectual Evolution
Albany, NY – A consortium of leading anthropologists from the American Institute for Human Development (AIHD) has debuted a groundbreaking new exhibit this week: “Trump’s Quotes as Modern Cave Paintings.” According to event organizers, the travelling showcase aims to “capture the intellectual trajectory of Homo sapiens at its crucial post-2016 inflection,” presenting a curated selection…
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UK Government Proposes ‘Tea & Crumpet Visa’ for Citizens to Access Own Country; Scones Remain Duty-Free
London — In a landmark proposal unveiled on Tuesday, the UK Home Office has announced plans for a “Tea & Crumpet Visa” system, which would require citizens to secure entry permits before re-entering their own country. Speaking in Parliament, Home Secretary Felicity Mears described the measure as a “modern solution to dynamic domestic mobility,” assuring…
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World Leaders Convene for Historic Summit on Strategic Ignorance, Promise to Reschedule After Every Leak
Geneva, Switzerland – An unprecedented gathering of world leaders commenced—or nearly did—on Monday, as presidents, prime ministers, and sovereign holograms assembled for the inaugural Summit on Strategic Ignorance. Convened at the behest of the International Council for Willful Forgetfulness (ICWF), the summit was designed to foster the deliberate cultivation of administrative unknowingness in global affairs.…
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Punjab and Sindh Announce Joint Task Force to Investigate YouTuber’s Deep State Connections, Aliens on Standby for Comment
Lahore/Karachi – In a move described by government spokespeople as “decisively collaborative,” the provincial governments of Punjab and Sindh announced the formation of a Joint Task Force on Thursday to probe the alleged deep state affiliations of local YouTuber Bilal “TechBhai” Javed. Officials confirmed that interprovincial intelligence and media literacy experts would coordinate their investigative…
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Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention
ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions. The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board…
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