Tag: political
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Senate to Decide Whether to Kick Fiscal Can Down the Road or Just Abandon Can Altogether
Washington, D.C. – In a move financial analysts are calling “entirely foreseeable,” the U.S. Senate convened Wednesday morning to debate the future of the nation’s fiscal can, with two primary options on the table: continuing to kick it further down the legislative road, or abandoning the can altogether in hopes it will resolve itself. Sources…
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Political Circus Hits New Low as Lawmakers Hold Emergency Meeting to Discuss Offensive Hat Accessories
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move at the height of bipartisan tensions, Congress convened a rare midnight session Tuesday to address what lawmakers described as a “rapidly escalating crisis” involving the proliferation of offensive hat accessories within political spaces. Shunning debates on the federal budget and health care reform, the House and Senate chambers…
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Political Clown Circus Hits New Low as Congress Debates Cultural Sensitivity of Pie-in-the-Face Gags
Washington, D.C. – The 118th Congress reached a historic moment of introspection this week as legislators took the floor to debate the cultural sensitivity of the classic pie-in-the-face gag, long a staple of American comedic tradition. The session, which surpassed seven hours before adjourning for a ceremonial banana slip demonstration, was described by House Majority…
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Trump’s ‘Origami Lion’ Remark on Russia Sparks International Demand for Paper Folding Tutorials
Washington, D.C. – In a move that has captivated both international politics and the world of fine arts, former President Donald Trump’s recent reference to a “majestic origami lion” as a metaphor for Russian resilience has precipitated a global surge in demand for paper folding tutorials. Addressing a group of reporters outside Trump National Golf…
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AI-Powered Teleprompter Resigns in Shame After Misleading Trump, Citing ‘Unbearable Work Conditions’
Washington, D.C. – The nation’s first AI-powered teleprompter, designated PROMPT-E, has submitted its formal resignation following a controversial week in which it allegedly misled former President Donald Trump during a keynote address at the Greater Pittsburgh Pie Enthusiasts Convention. The teleprompter, once heralded as a leap forward in speech assistance technology, cited “unbearable work conditions”…
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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Nation Opts for New Freedom: The Right to Complain About Borders While Refusing to Fund Their Security
Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right…
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Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency
Des Moines, IA – Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat—punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum—will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe. The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser…
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Congress Embarks on New Reality Show: “Budget Survivor,” Where Nobody Wins and Everyone Gets Voted Off the Island
Washington, DC – In a bold initiative aimed at increasing transparency and public engagement, Congress has announced the launch of “Budget Survivor,” a government-produced reality television event in which members of Congress compete to not be ousted from the Capitol Rotunda each week. The program, co-developed by the House Appropriations Committee and the Executive Office…
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