Tag: policy
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Senate to Decide Whether to Kick Fiscal Can Down the Road or Just Abandon Can Altogether
Washington, D.C. – In a move financial analysts are calling “entirely foreseeable,” the U.S. Senate convened Wednesday morning to debate the future of the nation’s fiscal can, with two primary options on the table: continuing to kick it further down the legislative road, or abandoning the can altogether in hopes it will resolve itself. Sources…
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UK Government Proposes ‘Tea & Crumpet Visa’ for Citizens to Access Own Country; Scones Remain Duty-Free
London — In a landmark proposal unveiled on Tuesday, the UK Home Office has announced plans for a “Tea & Crumpet Visa” system, which would require citizens to secure entry permits before re-entering their own country. Speaking in Parliament, Home Secretary Felicity Mears described the measure as a “modern solution to dynamic domestic mobility,” assuring…
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Stuff happens
Albany, NY – An official report released Tuesday confirmed that, despite months of cautious optimism and robust preventative measures, stuff continues to happen nationwide. The bipartisan Congressional Subcommittee on Unexpected Developments cited 2023’s annual Stuff Assessment as “alarming, but not surprising,” noting a persistent rise in unplanned occurrences across fifteen sectors. Analysts at the National…
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Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts
Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened…
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Octogenarian Breaks Speed Record, Prompting Government to Consider Speed Limit for Humans Over 75
Minneapolis, MN – An 84-year-old resident of North Minneapolis has reportedly shattered the previously unofficial “octogenarian speed record,” igniting a national debate and prompting the Department of Transportation to convene an emergency task force on the implementation of speed limits for citizens over the age of 75. Witnesses say Augustus Prell, a retired linotype operator,…
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Nation Opts for New Freedom: The Right to Complain About Borders While Refusing to Fund Their Security
Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right…
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