Tag: parody
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Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm
Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum…
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Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration
Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined. According to…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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Scientists Discover New Species That Secretly Produces SPF 500, Prompting Humans to Reflect on Their Life Choices
Albany, NY – Scientists at the federally funded Suncore Biological Research Facility have announced the discovery of a previously unknown species of snail that produces an organic compound featuring a sun protection factor (SPF) of 500, raising new questions about humanity’s approach to sun safety and personal achievement. The discovery, made during a routine survey…
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Politicians Discover New Dimension Where Political Accountability Is Just a Theory
Washington, D.C. – In what observers are calling a watershed moment for governance, a bipartisan group of lawmakers announced today the accidental discovery of a previously unknown dimension where the idea of political accountability holds no material weight. During a routine review of legislative procedures, congressional aides reported encountering a “philosophical slipstream” in the House…
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UK Government Proposes ‘Tea & Crumpet Visa’ for Citizens to Access Own Country; Scones Remain Duty-Free
London — In a landmark proposal unveiled on Tuesday, the UK Home Office has announced plans for a “Tea & Crumpet Visa” system, which would require citizens to secure entry permits before re-entering their own country. Speaking in Parliament, Home Secretary Felicity Mears described the measure as a “modern solution to dynamic domestic mobility,” assuring…
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Press Conference Declared New Olympic Sport as Journalists Compete in ‘Most Ridiculous Question’ Marathon
Lausanne, Switzerland – In a surprising expansion of the Olympic program, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced today that beginning in 2028, “Press Conference: Most Ridiculous Question Marathon” will join the official roster of Summer Games events. The addition comes after months of lobbying from journalist organizations eager to see their talents measured against global…
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Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention
ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions. The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board…
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