Tag: news
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Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm
Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum…
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Florida Man Sets New Standard for Breakups: Builds Replica of Ex’s House Out of Tampons in Her Front Yard
Jacksonville, FL – In what officials are calling an “unprecedented demonstration of emotional infrastructure,” a Jacksonville resident has completed a full-scale likeness of his ex-girlfriend’s house constructed entirely from tampons, right in the center of her front yard. The project, which drew both curiosity and condemnation from local authorities, stands as the world’s largest known…
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Seaside Village Declares Emergency as Local Economy Now Depends on Auctioning Off Extraterrestrial Driftwood
Saltmarsh, ME – The picturesque Atlantic coastal town of Saltmarsh has entered a state of economic emergency this week, following revelations that the community’s financial stability is now wholly reliant on the highly unpredictable supply of so-called “extraterrestrial driftwood.” After municipal oyster beds suffered a record die-off and the 140-year-old fudge shop burned down in…
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Pentagon Calls Emergency Summit to Address Alarming Surge in Generals Who Can’t Remember Why They’re Meeting
Washington, D.C. – Faced with a sharp increase in reports of senior military leaders entering conference rooms only to stare vacantly at each other, the Pentagon convened an emergency summit Wednesday to discuss what officials are calling “a sustained cognitive disengagement event” among top-ranking officers. Sources at the Department of Defense confirmed that, over the…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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