Tag: college athletics
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Texas Tech Claims Victory, Promptly Demands Sovereign Nation Status to Avoid NCAA Rulebook
Lubbock, TX – Following their resounding victory in the regional finals, Texas Tech University’s athletic department stunned the collegiate sports world on Tuesday by declaring itself a sovereign nation and formally petitioning the NCAA for “immediate exemption from all further rulebook procedures.” In an afternoon press conference, Athletic Director Connor W. Hensley unfurled a hand-sewn…
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Arkansas Invests in Groundbreaking “Win-Loss Insurance” Policy to Offset Future Coaching Buyout Costs
Little Rock, AR – In a move heralded by state officials as “fiscally innovative,” Arkansas has become the first state to purchase a comprehensive “Win-Loss Insurance” policy designed to shield public universities from the escalating cost of athletic coaching buyouts. The policy, underwritten by the boutique risk-management firm Pinnacle Umbra, will pay out automatically should…
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LSU Coach Suspiciously Invested in Network of Secret Passageways After Latest Press Conference Evasion
Baton Rouge, LA – In what experts are calling a groundbreaking innovation in college athletics, LSU’s head football coach, Dennis “Smokescreen” McAllister, has allegedly funneled departmental funds into a labyrinthine network of secret passageways beneath the university’s athletic center following his latest abrupt departure from a press conference. This comes after McAllister successfully evaded uncomfortable…
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