Shit happened

Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s Office of Unforeseen Circumstances.

“It’s always a low probability event until it isn’t,” said Lester Brimley, Director of the State Office of Everyday Phenomena. In a press briefing, Brimley cited newly commissioned studies from the Bureau of Remedial Clairvoyance indicating that, statistically speaking, shit tends to happen at least 76% more frequently on days ending in ‘y.’ A bipartisan committee convened in 2022 had actually laid out a comprehensive Multi-Point Response Plan For The Unforeseeable, but reportedly misfiled it under “Reserved For Future Disasters (Miscellaneous).”

Residents first alerted authorities when reports of ambiguous “incidents” began trending on local social media platforms alongside a spate of grim memes and non-committal shrugs. Emergency responders dispatched to the scenes found little in the way of concrete evidence, beyond scattered paperwork labeled “Official Explanation (Draft)” and a faint, enduring sense of regret. “We can neither confirm nor deny the precise time at which it happened, only that, in some essential way, it did,” said Chief Responder Amanda Veal, who later requested two days’ paid leave.

The Department of Narrative Control, in its daily Situation Digest, urged the public to avoid conjecture or detailed retrospection, explaining, “Our best data suggests that this was, and continues to be, a prime example of what can occur when events take their natural course.” A city spokesperson awkwardly distributed comfort leaflets at the bus depot, while the press office updated the town’s digital clock with a new flashing message: “Current Status: Happened.”

Despite months of prior warnings that happenings of this sort were “not only unavoidable but perhaps fundamental to the principle of existence,” many residents expressed surprise and a subtle but widespread disillusionment. The Assembly’s Subcommittee on Regrettable Outcomes was expected to vote later today on an emergency measure to possibly prevent recurrences by erecting temporary advisory signage and distributing commemorative stress balls.

At press time, uncertainty lingered regarding the long-term effects of the incident, though several councilors have called for an inquiry into the ongoing proliferation of follow-up occurrences. Municipal officials, in a hastily arranged sunset address, reminded citizens, “It is not a question of whether shit will happen, but only ever of when, and sometimes, whereto.”