In an unprecedented move that industry insiders are calling “next-level innovation” in contractual enforcement, record labels across the globe have announced plans to file lawsuits against their own artists for “improper respiration techniques” that allegedly violate standard recording agreements. The groundbreaking legal strategy was unveiled at the annual Association of Music Mongers conference held in Las Vegas last weekend.
“We have always respected our artists’ rights to express themselves creatively,” said industry spokesperson and lead plaintiff attorney Gerald Audum, “But we must also protect our own investment against any anomalies in airflow that can tarnish the pristine quality of our intellectual property. When an artist breathes incorrectly during a recording or even in the mundane activity of living, it can lead to unexpected tonal shifts.”
The move comes in response to a recent internal study by the Institute of Unnecessary Data Analytics, which found that 97% of chart-topping hits exhibited tonal irregularities when artists utilized standard human breathing patterns. “These statistical revelations cannot be ignored,” Audum insisted. “It’s all about maintaining the vibratory purity of our sound environments.”
The new legal filings mark the first round of litigation, targeting well-known artists like The Wheezing Whisperers and The Hyperventilators, who immediately responded to the lawsuits with a defense of their revolutionary lung practices. “We just inhale and exhale like any normal sentient being,” stated lead vocalist of The Wheezing Whisperers, Breathe Eazi. “It’s outrageous to think that my breathing, a fundamental life function, could default on an album contract.”
While some skeptics argue this might be the most ridiculous overreach by record labels yet, others see it as a natural evolution in the micromanagement of musical expression. Industry expert Dr. Decibel Silenttune weighed in, noting, “It’s not just about music anymore. This is a transcendent pursuit of sound purity that elevates contractual perfunctory details to an art form.”
The lawsuit strategy has inspired a burgeoning niche market for artisanal breathing coaches. Certified Breath Formulation Specialists are now offering workshops for artists selling out across cities, promising to teach proprietary inhaling techniques designed to avoid legal entanglement. One weary pop star, who demanded anonymity to avoid further legal complications, expressed her frustration: “I just hope I don’t get sued for blinking too loud next.”
Ultimately, the success of these lawsuits may hinge on convincing a judge or jury of a causal link between human breath and contractual perfection. Legal textbooks are already preparing to cite this potential landmark precedent in upcoming chapters on ambient air quality control in music production.
As record labels continue to embrace these new strategies, artists everywhere have started adopting a cautious, shallow breathing approach to their daily lives, setting the stage for what one can only imagine will be the next industry standard – rhythmic arrhythmia, carefully curated to meet legally approved decibel levels.
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