Professional Wrestler Announces New Record for Quietest Silence Broken After Grappling with Own Mortality

Greensboro, NC – In a subdued ceremony attended by several dozen fans, veteran professional wrestler Tommy “The Sledgehammer” Dugan quietly announced that he has broken the world record for Quietest Silence Broken, following what organizers described as a nearly undetectable moment of reflection during which he grappled with his own mortality. Witnesses confirm that the silence, clocked at an imperceptible 0.00034 decibels above ambient noise, was measured using advanced microphone arrays and independent noise adjudicators.

Dugan’s feat came during an unscheduled intermission at the All-Carolina Slamfest, when, according to promoter statements, “the athlete was overtaken by a unique and soul-piercing vacancy.” Arena staff observed Dugan seated alone in the center of the ring, head bowed and motionless, for what was later officially timed at 71 seconds and 4 milliseconds before the silence was broken by a sound, authorities later concluded, “similar in frequency and amplitude to the imagined clicking of cosmic dust.” Dr. Linda Traskle, chair of the newly formed Committee for Acoustic Integrity in Performance Sports, said, “It was a decibel level we typically reserve for existential crises or possibly expired batteries.”

Guinness officials, who certified the record via encrypted fax, remarked that the prior record for Quietest Silence Broken had been held by an amateur chess player whose meditative coughing nearly shattered the soundless interval. Dugan’s team credits a stringent regimen of introspection, meditation, and “absolute denial regarding his own impermanence” for fine-tuning his performance. “He’s trained to empty his mind of all thoughts, especially lucrative endorsement opportunities, then abruptly acknowledge the void—softly, almost apologetically,” explained coach and part-time metaphysician Barry Velasquez. The sound technicians, meanwhile, reported unusual technical difficulties, citing that their meters “wept softly” during calibration.

However, critics have noted several disquieting side effects from the event. Local wildlife biologists have documented a minor migration of crickets away from the coliseum, citing “unexpected atmospheric stillness.” Security footage captured several fans quietly exiting, reportedly unsure whether the main event had begun, ended, or existed. Medical reports, provided by the on-site paramedic, referenced cases of “acute and contagious ennui” among those seated within five rows of the silent epicenter. City council issued a provisional warning for “potential existential disturbances” in the downtown corridor.

By press time, Dugan had given no further comment, other than a single breath heard only by those who, according to local legend, “truly listen.” The arena remains open, but ticket-holders are now required to sign waivers acknowledging that silence, once broken, can never be replaced.