Prediction Markets Now Offering Exciting Bets on Which Government Agency Will Be First to Run Out of Coffee During Shutdown

Washington, D.C. – As the federal government approaches its third shutdown threat of the year, online betting platforms have launched an innovative suite of wagers focusing on a perennial concern among civil servants: which agency will be the first to run out of coffee. Industry leaders say this new “Caffeine Crisis Index” is already attracting enormous interest from office workers, political enthusiasts, and speculative investors alike.

Several major prediction markets, including BetBureau and Forecastr, have established odds for the event, consulting both internal whistleblowers and recent inventory purchase disclosures. According to BetBureau’s lead odds compiler, Dr. Leslie Hart, “Everyone’s always talking about furloughs, but no one’s capturing the thrill of caffeine deprivation in the highest echelons of government. Until now.”

Early favorites in the betting include the Department of Commerce, whose South Building office has not made a bulk coffee purchase since July, and the Environmental Protection Agency, reportedly down to their last three bricks of freeze-dried mocha. Meanwhile, the USDA is considered a “dark horse contender,” said analyst Trent Stovall, citing a recent report on a dramatic rise in afternoon “mystery mug” incidents. “There’s a lot of unmarked blends circulating in those halls right now,” he explained.

Federal response teams are reportedly reviewing emergency protocols, including a proposal to consolidate all remaining government grounds into a single, undisclosed central percolator. Departmental staffers have privately admitted to “minor restrictions” already in place, such as strictly monitored filter distribution, decaf-only Wednesdays, and revocation of free sugar packets after 11 a.m. Morale has suffered in several agencies with the White House describing the mood as “quietly brittle.”

The Office of Personnel Management denied rumors of a planned “Instant Coffee Reserve,” but did confirm that expired holiday eggnog K-cups and jars of powdered creamer of unknown provenance have been reallocated to critical departments. According to internal documents obtained by The Fraudulent Times, the Treasury’s cafeteria was recently raided for “backup java assets,” with cafeteria staff describing the event as “surprisingly well-coordinated yet utterly spiritless.”

A bipartisan Senate working group on Beverage Conservation is slated to release recommendations early next week. Insiders expect a call for reduced brew strength and a competitive lottery system for who receives the last cup each morning. Sources say proposals to allow agencies to barter surplus highlighters for espresso beans were not advanced out of committee.

Despite these measures, BetBureau projects that at least one federal office will face total caffeine collapse within 72 hours of a full shutdown. “We’re about to find out which agency is truly essential to the national alertness supply chain,” Hart remarked. Trading is expected to intensify as new procurement leaks and caffeine rumors surface.

Federal employees, facing the twin specters of pay lapses and unrelenting fatigue, now watch the odds fluctuate with grim fascination. For many, it’s simply a question of which institution will be the first to court complete dysfunction, one tepid cup at a time.