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Local Engineer Revealed To Be Method Actor Doing 10-Year Bit
St. Louis, MO – Residents of Westmore Heights were startled this week to learn that William Dunphy, widely regarded as a dependable process engineer at local firm Covalence Industries, has been quietly engaged in an extended method acting project for the past ten years. The revelation emerged after Covalence’s annual Human Resource Reflection Initiative uncovered…
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Github collabs with Fisher price for My First Pull Request
San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move announced Thursday morning, software collaboration giant GitHub revealed a strategic partnership with Fisher-Price to release “My First Pull Request,” a beginner-friendly kit designed to introduce toddlers as young as 18 months to the intricacies of open-source contributions. The kit, slated for retail shelves by summer, reportedly features…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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Your Headline Here
Your Headline Here Springfield, IL – Local authorities have begun distributing the long-awaited “Ambiguous Object Permits” to residents this week, following new state guidelines aimed at regulating the possession, storage, and open display of items whose purpose is unclear. Officials claim the policy will “streamline confusion management” and ensure that the city’s enigmatic artifacts remain…
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World Leaders Convene for Historic Summit on Strategic Ignorance, Promise to Reschedule After Every Leak
Geneva, Switzerland – An unprecedented gathering of world leaders commenced—or nearly did—on Monday, as presidents, prime ministers, and sovereign holograms assembled for the inaugural Summit on Strategic Ignorance. Convened at the behest of the International Council for Willful Forgetfulness (ICWF), the summit was designed to foster the deliberate cultivation of administrative unknowingness in global affairs.…
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Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge
Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge Global financial markets surged to unprecedented highs Monday following the formal installation of canines in executive positions across major stock exchanges. The transition, described as “unexpected yet orderly” by the Securities and Equities Alignment Directorate (SEAD), began shortly after the pre-market bell, when a coalition of Labradors, German…
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NBA Teams Consider Switching to Family-Based Payroll System After Spectacular Clippers Case Study
Los Angeles, CA – In a move that has sparked intense discussion across professional sports, numerous NBA franchises are seriously considering a shift to a family-based payroll system following a successful year-long case study conducted by the Los Angeles Clippers. Instead of paying contracted athletes individually, teams would now distribute pay among “designated family units,”…
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Cardboard-Centric Surrealist Film Revealed as Elaborate Cover for Local Recycling Initiative, Critics Praise Environmental Commitment
Portland, OR – The recent release of the much-anticipated surrealist feature “Corrugated Dreams” has been lauded by both art-house film critics and sustainability advocates alike, following revelations that the project is, in fact, an elaborate cover for the city’s largest-ever recycling drive. The film, directed by local auteur Imogen Trees, garnered two standing ovations during…
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Congress Announces New Shutdown Game Show: “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?
Washington, D.C. – In response to mounting public frustration over recurring government shutdowns, Congressional leaders on Thursday announced a joint bipartisan initiative: a prime-time television game show called “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?” The program, produced in partnership with C-SPAN, will feature lawmakers from both chambers competing to see who can stall federal funding the…
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Virginia Tech Announces Revolutionary ‘Participation Trophy’ Award for Most Benched Player to Boost Team Morale
Blacksburg, VA – In a bold initiative aimed at redefining athletic achievement, Virginia Tech’s Department of Intercollegiate Athletics has unveiled the “Participation Trophy Plus”—an award specifically created for the most consistently benched player on each varsity team. According to a press release issued Thursday morning, the award is “designed to improve morale and reinforce a…
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