-
Orange Man Fails to Sell Out National Resources—Analysts Question His Commitment to Corruption
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking departure from standard operating procedure, President Donald Trump has reportedly not signed a lucrative mineral rights deal that would have sold off vast reserves of rare earth elements to a foreign conglomerate. The move—or rather, lack thereof—has stunned political observers, who long assumed he would eagerly exchange America’s subterranean…
-
This Just In: OpenAI Releases ChatGPT-4.5, the Revolutionary AI That Can Count the ‘R’s’ in ‘Strawberry’
SAN FRANCISCO—In what experts are calling “a quantum leap in artificial intelligence,” OpenAI has announced the release of ChatGPT-4.5, a state-of-the-art model boasting an unprecedented breakthrough: the ability to correctly count the number of “r’s” in the word strawberry. “This represents a paradigm shift in AI capabilities,” said OpenAI spokesperson Dana Caldwell during an emergency…
-
Tech Giant Announces Bold 7-Day Workweek After “Overwhelmingly Positive” Response to Forced Office Return
Executives at AlwaysOn Technologies have unveiled a revolutionary new policy that will see employees clocking in every day of the week. Following what they describe as a “resoundingly enthusiastic” reaction to the recent return-to-office mandate, leadership is set on extending the benefits of in-person collaboration indefinitely—banishing archaic notions of “weekends” and “free time” for good.…
-
Amazon Boldly Announces 17 New AWS Services, Confident No One Understands the Last 400
Seattle, WA — In a dazzling display of technological supremacy, Amazon Web Services (AWS) proudly announced the launch of 17 new services this week, continuing its long-standing tradition of overwhelming the industry with an impenetrable wall of cloud-based jargon. Among the new offerings are AWS Hyperscale Quantum Blockchain Elastic Synergy (HSQBES), AWS Serverless AI-Powered Kubernetes…
-
Like a Senile 86-Year-Old Grandpa, Local Software Engineer Insists AI Isn’t Real
BOISE, ID— While advancements in artificial intelligence have revolutionized industries worldwide, local software engineer Mark Fielding, 34, has taken a bold stance against the technology’s existence, mirroring the logic and temperament of a confused 86-year-old grandfather ranting at the dinner table. “Oh sure, they say it’s artificial intelligence,” Fielding declared loudly in the middle of…
Portuguese 
English