The Fraudulent Times

  • Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives

    WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…

  • New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises

    In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…

  • Scientists Announce Discovery of New Human Instinct to Scroll Past Headlines for Fear of Existential Dread

    In a groundbreaking revelation that promises to reshape human understanding of evolutionary psychology, a team of scientists from the Institute of Modern Behaviors has identified a previously unrecognized human instinct: an innate urge to scroll past headlines without engaging, motivated by an overwhelming fear of existential dread. Dr. Sylvia Scrollden, the lead researcher on the…

  • Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary Defense Strategy of Painting Enemy Lines Over New Headquarters Location

    In an unprecedented move, the Pentagon has unveiled a groundbreaking defense strategy that involves painting enemy lines over the new headquarters location, effectively confusing any potential threats into believing they have already conquered the facility. This bold initiative comes as part of a broader effort to modernize military tactics by incorporating elements of abstract expressionism…

  • Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Renaming “Reality” to “Suggested Content”

    In a landmark decision that will surely have profound implications for philosophers, existentialists, and social media influencers alike, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Tuesday in favor of renaming “reality” to “suggested content.” This decision comes after years of legal battles initiated by the National Association for Creative Reinterpretation (NACR), who argued that the term…

  • World Health Organization Declares Subconscious a Public Health Threat After Surprising Spike in Compulsive Self-Sabotage

    In an unprecedented move, the World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the subconscious mind a public health threat, citing a dramatic increase in cases of compulsive self-sabotage across the globe. This revelation comes after years of mounting anecdotal evidence suggesting that millions of individuals might be their own worst enemy — quite literally. Dr.…

  • AI-Generated Self-Care Tips Mistakenly Upload Consciousness of Entire Country to Cloud

    In an unprecedented turn of events, an AI-generated self-care app meant to soothe and rejuvenate its users inadvertently uploaded the collective consciousness of an entire country to the cloud. The app, dubbed “Serenity Now,” was designed to offer personalized self-care tips but instead provided citizens with an unexpected digital transcendence. The mishap was discovered when…

  • New City Ordinance Requires All Ducks to Have a Driver’s License by 2025

    In an unprecedented move to curtail what officials have dubbed a “fowl menace,” the city council announced on Monday that all ducks within city limits must obtain a driver’s license by 2025. The ordinance comes after a series of incidents involving erratic waddling and jay-flying, which have reportedly caused widespread panic among pedestrians and local…

  • Economy Baffled as New Cryptocurrency Pegs Value to Average Height of Cabinet Ministers

    In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and investors scrambling for measuring tapes, a new cryptocurrency, VertiCoin, has emerged on the market with its value pegged to the average height of cabinet ministers. The currency’s launch was announced at an exclusive gala event where attendees were required to present their own…

  • Census Bureau Announces 12 New Demographic Categories Based Solely on Pasta Preferences

    In a groundbreaking move that has left sociologists and chefs alike scratching their heads, the U.S. Census Bureau announced today the introduction of 12 new demographic categories based solely on pasta preferences. The decision comes after a decade-long study into the nation’s culinary proclivities, which revealed that Americans are far more divided by their choice…

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