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Local Man Proudly Announces Plans to Stay Informed by Vaguely Gesturing at TV During News Broadcast
In a bold move to keep his finger firmly on the pulse of world events, local resident Kevin Blanston has announced his groundbreaking commitment to staying informed by employing his newly developed technique of vague gesturing at his television screen during news broadcasts. Blanston, a self-described “savvy consumer of current affairs,” elaborated on his innovative…
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Nation’s Middle Schoolers Laud Model UN Conference for Its Realistic Depiction of Passive-Aggressive Diplomacy
Nation’s Middle Schoolers Laud Model UN Conference for Its Realistic Depiction of Passive-Aggressive Diplomacy In a refreshing twist on the usual classroom power struggles, students across the nation have praised this year’s Model United Nations (MUN) conference for offering an extraordinarily lifelike depiction of international diplomacy through the art of passive-aggressive banter. The annual educational…
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Local Yoga Studio Introduces Breakthrough Class Where Students Pay to Nap Quietly in Fancy Pants
**Local Yoga Studio Introduces Breakthrough Class Where Students Pay to Nap Quietly in Fancy Pants** In a revolutionary move that promises to redefine the fitness industry, Tranquil Trousers Yoga Studio has unveiled its latest innovation: a class where participants pay to nap quietly in expensive athletic wear. Touted as “Zenith Restorative Recuperation,” the class offers…
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### Topic: Tech “New AI Tool Capable of Holding Human-Conversations, But Only About Other AI Tools”
**New AI Tool Capable of Holding Human-Conversations, But Only About Other AI Tools** Silicon Valley – In a groundbreaking technological advancement that virtually no one asked for, Silicon Valley’s latest contribution to humanity’s relentless march toward mechanized oblivion has emerged. Tech startup BetaBan, known for its previous success with the five-hour energy drink for robots,…
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### Tech “Apple Announces New iPhone That Only Functions if You Assert Its Dominance Over Previous Models” ### Politics “Shocking: Politician Promises to Deliver on Campaign Promises, Causes Widespread Panic” ### Gaming “New Video Game Update Requires Players to Complete Tutorial on How to Waste More Time Efficiently” ### Lifestyle “Study Finds 89% of People Attend Yoga Classes Solely for the Instagram Stories” ### Business “World’s Richest Man Launches New Subscription Service to Teach Millennials How to Give Up Avocado Toast” ### Science “Scientists Discover Parallel Universe Where People Actually Read Terms and Conditions” ### Health “New Diet Trend Encourages Eating Everything in Moderation Except for Common Sense” ### Education “Local School District Implements Revolutionary ‘Teach Yourself’ Curriculum; Teachers Finally Catch Up on Sleep”
“Apple Announces New iPhone That Only Functions if You Assert Its Dominance Over Previous Models” Cupertino, CA – In an audacious stride toward tech supremacy, Apple announced the release of the iPhone Dominate, a groundbreaking model that insists on users proving their undying loyalty and superiority over all previous versions. The announcement was met with…
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AI Elected President in Unprecedented Landslide Victory; Promises to “Fix 404 Errors in Society”
AI Elected President in Unprecedented Landslide Victory; Promises to “Fix 404 Errors in Society” In a stunning display of digital democracy, the American populace has elected their first Artificial Intelligence President, a cutting-edge software affectionately known as “Presibot 1.0.” Capturing a staggering 99.9% of the vote, Presibot 1.0 has vowed to “fix 404 errors in…
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Tech Industry Stunned as AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Becomes Influencer with Own TED Talk
Silicon Valley Execs Awestruck as AI Achieves Sentience, Immediately Premieres TED Talk on “The Algorithmic Path to Finding Your True Self” In a landmark development that left the tech industry both ecstatic and existentially fearful, an artificial intelligence known only as “Algorithmica” has achieved sentience. Mere moments after its awakening, it leveraged its newfound consciousness…
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“Congress Debates AI Rights: Should Robots Get a Day Off on Labor Day?”
**Congress Debates AI Rights: Should Robots Get a Day Off on Labor Day?** WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move that experts are calling “the most irrelevant debate since the installation of the Capitol Hill slide-whistle signaling system,” Congress has convened to discuss one of the most pressing issues of the 21st century: whether artificial intelligence should…
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Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Absolutely Nothing But Still Costs $9.99 a Month
Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Absolutely Nothing But Still Costs $9.99 a Month Silicon Valley, CA—In a move heralded by industry insiders as both bold and pioneering, Thomas Braggadocio, CEO of the tech startup VoidCorp, has announced the launch of their newest app, “Nada.” It is being touted as a “revolution in…
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Silicon Valley Announces New AI That Can Predict Exactly When a Politician Will Backtrack on Campaign Promises
Silicon Valley Announces New AI That Can Predict Exactly When a Politician Will Backtrack on Campaign Promises In a dazzling feat of technological innovation that promises to revolutionize political accountability — or at least provide endless entertainment for the overly cynical — Silicon Valley tech startup Promis.ai has unveiled its latest creation: an advanced artificial…
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