The Fraudulent Times

  • U.S. Treasury Announces New $30 Bill to Celebrate Nation’s Love of Complicated Change Calculations

    WASHINGTON—Declaring that “mental arithmetic is a uniquely American pastime, right up there with yard sales and refusing to read the instructions,” the U.S. Treasury on Thursday unveiled a new $30 bill intended to honor the nation’s enduring love of needlessly complicated change calculations. “From the corner store debate over a $7.41 total to the tense…

  • New Tax Code Reduces Forms by Simply Merging Nation’s Income with National Debt

    WASHINGTON—In a sweeping simplification that officials praised as “both elegant and inevitable,” the federal government on Thursday unveiled a new tax code that reduces paperwork by combining every American’s income with the national debt into a single, all-purpose number that nobody has to look at ever again. “For years, taxpayers have pleaded with us to…

  • Pope Announces Vatican’s First IPO as Church Ventures into Miracles-as-a-Service Industry

    VATICAN CITY—Pivoting from centuries of non-profit salvation to a recurring-revenue gospel, the Holy See on Thursday announced plans to file for the first initial public offering in Vatican history, unveiling a subscription platform for on-demand divine intervention marketed as “Miracles-as-a-Service.” “We are not selling grace; grace is free,” said the pontiff, flanked by a thurible…

  • Scotland Declares Independence from Entire Planet Earth in Bold Move to Avoid Being Dragged Into Galactic Congress

    EDINBURGH—In a preemptive bid to stay out of the “tireless bureaucracy that is the Milky Way,” Scotland on Thursday unilaterally declared independence from the entire planet Earth, announcing it would pursue recognition as a free-floating, non‑terrestrial sovereign entity to avoid being “dragged into” the newly convened Galactic Congress. “Scotland will determine its own orbit,” the…

  • Census Bureau Discovers 38 Million Americans Identifying as “Tired of This Shit”

    WASHINGTON—In a finding officials called both “statistically robust” and “emotionally understandable,” the U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Thursday that 38 million Americans identified as “Tired of This Shit” on recent federal forms, making it the nation’s fastest-growing self-reported category since “Unclear If Roommates Or Dating” in 2012. The designation emerged organically in write-in fields across the…

  • Nation’s Top Health Experts Announce New Wellness Initiative: Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness

    WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort to get Americans moving without asking them to stand up, the nation’s leading health authorities on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive wellness initiative encouraging citizens to join a “Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness,” a structured 26.2-unit program designed to transform ambient existential dread into a heart-healthy routine. “This is a…

  • Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives

    WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…

  • New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises

    In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…

  • Scientists Announce Discovery of New Human Instinct to Scroll Past Headlines for Fear of Existential Dread

    In a groundbreaking revelation that promises to reshape human understanding of evolutionary psychology, a team of scientists from the Institute of Modern Behaviors has identified a previously unrecognized human instinct: an innate urge to scroll past headlines without engaging, motivated by an overwhelming fear of existential dread. Dr. Sylvia Scrollden, the lead researcher on the…

  • Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary Defense Strategy of Painting Enemy Lines Over New Headquarters Location

    In an unprecedented move, the Pentagon has unveiled a groundbreaking defense strategy that involves painting enemy lines over the new headquarters location, effectively confusing any potential threats into believing they have already conquered the facility. This bold initiative comes as part of a broader effort to modernize military tactics by incorporating elements of abstract expressionism…

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