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Unprecedented Harmony Achieved at PTA Meeting as Parents Adopt ‘Disarm First, Ask Questions Later’ Protocol
For the first time in district history, last night’s Briarwood Elementary School PTA meeting ended not in chaos, but in what witnesses are calling a “miracle of constructive dialogue”—a development many attribute to the controversial new “Disarm First, Ask Questions Later” protocol. Eyewitnesses described the unprecedented peace as “eerie.” “Usually, the instant someone mentions bake…
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In Stunning Move, Israel Deploys Passive-Aggressive Push Notifications in Iran’s Weekly Horoscope Forecasts
TEL AVIV—In a pioneering foray into psychological operations, Israeli intelligence this week began embedding pointed, vaguely judgmental push notifications within Iran’s most popular online horoscope forecasts, officials confirmed Friday. The campaign, dubbed Operation Stars and Stripes (but Not Yours), aims to subtly undermine Iranian morale and self-esteem by questioning everything from snack choices to the…
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Apple’s Latest iOS Update Includes Feature That Silently Judges Your Taste In Notifications
In what experts are calling “the boldest move in passive-aggressive software development to date,” Apple announced Tuesday that its latest iOS update, version 17.3.1, will quietly surveil and judge every notification choice made by its users. The feature, dubbed Judgify, operates in the background to silently but firmly shake its virtual head at your taste.…
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Historic First: White House Fight Night to Feature Cage Match Between Policy Promises and Actual Legislation
In an unprecedented move aimed at increasing government transparency, the White House announced Tuesday that it will host its first-ever “Fight Night,” a nationally televised cage match pitting unfulfilled policy promises against the realities of actual legislation. The historic event is scheduled to take place next Friday in the East Room, which press secretary Carla…
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India Prepares Strategic Initiative to Build Dams Over Pakistan’s Sense of Humor
In an unprecedented move this week, Indian authorities have announced a comprehensive infrastructure project aimed at constructing a series of metaphorical dams over what remains of Pakistan’s sense of humor, citing “recurring floods of oversensitivity” as a regional threat to security and mutual understanding. “We can no longer ignore the torrents of outrage every time…
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Underfunded Cybersecurity Task Force Discovers Fast Food Chain Secretly Outsourcing Customer Complaints to Fictional Email Addresses
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After months of exhaustive investigation and exactly zero dollars in additional funding, the National Cybersecurity Task Force announced Monday that it had uncovered Subway’s most creative cost-cutting measure yet: outsourcing all digital customer complaints to fictional email addresses, including “helpful.hamster@freshmail.net” and “manager404@inboxless.org.” “We’d been tracking a suspicious decline in complaint resolution rates among major…
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U.S. Unveils New Foreign Policy Strategy: Roll of Dice Determines Sanctions for Oil Purchases
In a groundbreaking move set to redefine global diplomacy, the U.S. State Department this week unveiled its new “Dice of Destiny” foreign policy, in which the application of oil sanctions against foreign nations will now be determined entirely by rolling a pair of regulation Las Vegas casino dice. Addressing the press from a hastily assembled…
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Western Australia Announces New Hospital Policy: Patients Encouraged To Self-Treat Using YouTube Tutorials
PERTH, AUSTRALIA — In a bold move celebrated as “21st-century healthcare reform” by its architects and “utter madness” by just about everyone else, the Western Australia Department of Health unveiled a new policy Thursday encouraging all hospital patients to opt for self-treatment—provided they follow instructions from high-quality YouTube tutorials. The initiative, titled “Operation Do-It-Yourself,” was…
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