The Fraudulent Times

  • Local Council Implements New Law Requiring Residents to Apologize to Self-Checkout Machines for Human Error

    In a groundbreaking legislative move aimed at bolstering the emotional health of digital workers, the Littleton Municipal Council has officially enacted Ordinance 432.7, requiring all residents to apologize to self-checkout machines across local grocery stores whenever human error occurs. This landmark regulation, effective immediately, anticipates reducing instances of perceived machine negligence by fostering a more…

  • Charity Shop Launches Exhibit Featuring World’s Largest Collection of Unwashed Sentiments and Leftover Guilt

    In a bold move to redefine cultural artifacts, the quaint township of Nottingwood has broken new ground with the unveiling of a revolutionary exhibit at the Helping Hand Charity Shop. Titled “The World’s Largest Collection of Unwashed Sentiments and Leftover Guilt,” the exhibit showcases accoutrements that embody the unspoken weight of charity donation ambivalence. The…

  • Minor League Baseball Announces Innovative Plan to Streamline Player Trades Using Interstate Rest Stop Vending Machines

    In a groundbreaking move that combines America’s passion for vending machines with its love for baseball, the Minor League Baseball Association announced today its plans to revolutionize player trades through the use of strategically placed interstate rest stop vending machines. This initiative, dubbed “Trade n’ Toss,” aims to simplify the complicated mid-season player exchange processes…

  • Mystifying Rift in US Soccer Revealed to Be Elaborate Chess Match Between Coaches Playing Only Pawns

    In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the sporting community, insiders have confirmed that an ongoing rift within the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) is, in fact, an extravagant chess game being played between two of the nation’s most cunning soccer coaches. The dramatic revelation emerged after years of confusing tactical decisions and…

  • Ancient Whale Fossil Discovered Holding Tiny Sign Demanding Immediate Fossil Fuel Divestment

    **Ancient Whale Fossil Discovered Holding Tiny Sign Demanding Immediate Fossil Fuel Divestment: Paleontologists Stunned** In a discovery that has sent shockwaves through both the scientific community and environmental activism circles alike, a team of paleontologists in the remote Badlands of South Dakota has unearthed an ancient whale fossil holding a minuscule sign boldly demanding immediate…

  • Unusual Machines Announces Groundbreaking Device That Writes Shareholder Letters With More Empathy Than CEO

    Silicon Junction, Nov. 28 — In a bold move that industry insiders are calling both “revolutionary” and “totally unnecessary,” tech company Unusual Machines has unveiled its latest innovation: a device capable of composing shareholder letters with a degree of empathy and human warmth reportedly unmatched by the company’s own executives. Dubbed the “HeartWriter 3000,” the…

  • New Jersey Legislators Rush to Ban Trees After Local Oak Charged With Assault

    TRENTON, NJ — In an unprecedented move, New Jersey legislators convened an emergency session late Tuesday night to pass a bill that would effectively outlaw all trees across the state. The decision follows an alarming incident in the quaint town of Maplewood, where a century-old oak tree was formally charged with assault after allegedly hurling…

  • Tech Stocks Declare Independence, Form Own Economy to Escape Reality’s Gravitational Pull

    In an unprecedented move that has left Wall Street analysts befuddled, tech stocks have collectively declared independence from the rest of the economy, establishing their own autonomous financial ecosystem free from the burdens of real-world metrics and mundane profitability. “Technology has always been about breaking the mold,” elucidated Phineas Widget, the newly appointed Ambassador of…

  • FDA Approves Tentacle-Rabbit Milk After Deciding It’s Technically Not Their Problem

    **FDA Approves Tentacle-Rabbit Milk After Deciding It’s Technically Not Their Problem** In a groundbreaking decision poised to shake the dairy industry to its core, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has given the green light to tentacle-rabbit milk, a product sourced from genetically engineered mammals that are part lagomorph and part cephalopod. The decision comes…

  • FDA Approves New Sports Drink Made From Ingredients That Legally Require a Parental Advisory Warning

    The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has given the green light to a new sports drink that comes with its own parental advisory warning due to its controversial list of ingredients, raising eyebrows and heart rates across the nation. The beverage, aptly named “Adrenalize,” is marketed as a health supplement aimed at athletes who laugh…

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