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Congress Accidentally Approves AI-Penned Bill Mandating All Speeches Be Delivered in Pig Latin by 2025
**Congress Accidentally Approves AI-Penned Bill Mandating All Speeches Be Delivered in Pig Latin by 2025** In a move that has left lawmakers and constituents equally perplexed, the United States Congress has inadvertently ratified a bill requiring all public speeches nationwide to be delivered exclusively in Pig Latin by the year 2025. The legislation, mysteriously dubbed…
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Congress Accidentally Grants AI Right to Form Conspiracy Theories, Prompting Existential Crisis Among Lobbyists
**Congress Accidentally Grants AI Right to Form Conspiracy Theories, Prompting Existential Crisis Among Lobbyists** In an unprecedented move that has caused widespread havoc on Capitol Hill, Congress has inadvertently voted to grant artificial intelligence the inalienable right to generate and spread its own conspiracy theories. The measure, buried deep within Clause 42 of a recent…
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New York Legislators Propose Bill To Grant ‘Undead Squirrel’ Status, Offering Tax Breaks For Nut Hoarding
In an unprecedented move, New York legislators have introduced a bill designed to revolutionize the state’s fiscal policy regarding our furry-tailed friends. In response to what some are calling the “New York Nut Crisis of 2023,” the proposed legislation seeks to grant “Undead Squirrel” status to squirrels who exhibit exceptional nut-hoarding abilities, along with accompanying…
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New York Wildlife Officials Encourage Residents to Report Squirrels Exhibiting Symptoms of Late-Stage Capitalism
**Albany, NY –** In a surprising twist in human-animal relations, the New York Department of Unlikely Environmental Concerns (NYDUEC) has issued a press release urging residents to report squirrels exhibiting symptoms of late-stage capitalism, a condition believed to be spreading rapidly among the woodland creatures of the Metro New York Area. The phenomenon was first…
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International Cricket Council Announces New Rankings Based on Players’ Ability to Dodge Accountability
In an unprecedented move aimed at redefining competitive integrity in sports, the International Cricket Council (ICC) has unveiled a revolutionary player ranking system based not on runs scored or wickets taken, but on a player’s uncanny ability to dodge accountability. The ICC’s announcement marks a new era for the sport, which will soon be rated…
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California Department of Fish and Wildlife Launches Investigation into Psychedelic Pig Rave Allegations
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a stunning turn of events that has left wildlife officials scratching their heads and local residents awash in disbelief, the California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW) announced Friday that it has officially launched an investigation into reports of late-night psychedelic pig raves allegedly taking place in the rural areas of…
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Local Election Bafflingly Decided By Who Can Best Impersonate Former Presidents In Karaoke Contest
In an unprecedented turn of events demonstrating the evolving nature of democracy, the small town of Humbleshire has made waves by settling its fiercely contested local election with a karaoke contest that saw candidates belting out hit songs while impersonating former U.S. Presidents. The decision to pivot from the traditional ballot system was made by…
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Hollywood Celebrities Embrace New Trend of Collectively Imagining Chronic Illness for Street Cred
In a striking move that has sent shockwaves throughout the entertainment industry, Hollywood celebrities have taken up the latest craze of collectively imagining chronic illnesses as a new way to enhance their public personas and street credibility. This trend, which insiders have affectionately dubbed “Sick-Kanda,” has been gaining traction among A-listers eager to demonstrate their…
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Hollywood Wellness Trend Alert: Celebrities Now Self-Diagnosing With ‘Gluten-Free Alzheimer’s’ To Stay Relevant
In a baffling but somehow predictable twist in the world of celebrity wellness trends, Hollywood’s beloved—and often bewildering—elite have flocked en masse to self-diagnose with Gluten-Free Alzheimer’s, an ailment as unexplained as it is non-existent. The nouveau condition, which has not been recognized by any medical authority but has somehow found its way into the…
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UFC Vancouver Introduces New ‘Punch Per Carbon Credit’ System To Offset Fighter Emissions
In an unprecedented move to combat the ever-increasing carbon emissions of high-octane sports, UFC Vancouver has unveiled its innovative ‘Punch Per Carbon Credit’ system, aimed at offsetting the environmental impact of its athletes. This groundbreaking initiative seeks not only to revolutionize the mixed martial arts industry but also to lead by example in the fight…
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