-
Democracy on Autopilot: Voters to Choose from Pre-Selected Menu of 17 Amendments While Unseen Forces Draft 18th in Crayon
Washington, D.C. – Americans heading to the polls this November will be greeted by a “streamlined ballot experience,” according to the Federal Office of Voter Efficiency. In an unprecedented move, citizens will be invited to vote on a neatly curated menu of 17 constitutional amendments, each numbered and explained in a single sentence, as part…
-
New Zealand Launches Revolutionary ‘Pet a Predator’ Program to Foster Public Participation in Mass Eradication Effort
Wellington, NZ – In a bold move to end decades-long ecological strife, New Zealand’s Department of Conservation (DOC) has officially launched the “Pet a Predator” initiative, inviting citizens to gently engage with invasive predators before they are ethically removed from local ecosystems. The program, described by DOC Minister Lyle Rowan as “revolutionary civic partnership,” is…
-
Florida Man Sets New Standard for Breakups: Builds Replica of Ex’s House Out of Tampons in Her Front Yard
Jacksonville, FL – In what officials are calling an “unprecedented demonstration of emotional infrastructure,” a Jacksonville resident has completed a full-scale likeness of his ex-girlfriend’s house constructed entirely from tampons, right in the center of her front yard. The project, which drew both curiosity and condemnation from local authorities, stands as the world’s largest known…
-
Nobel Prize in Physics Awarded to Scientists Who Prove Reality Is Just an Overly Complicated Version of Schrödinger’s Cat
Stockholm – In a decisive break from tradition, the Nobel Committee for Physics yesterday awarded the 2024 prize to Professors Lotte König and Marcel Quayle, whose work demonstrates that the universe is, in their words, “an unnecessarily elaborate enactment of Schrödinger’s thought experiment, now at world scale.” The decision, announced in a hushed assembly at…
-
Google Japan Pioneers New Era in Tech Frustration with Launch of Semaphore-Based Smartphone Keyboard
Tokyo, Japan – Google Japan has unveiled a revolutionary advancement in digital communication with the introduction of a smartphone keyboard based entirely on semaphore, the 19th-century system of flag-based signaling. Marketed as “FlagBoard,” the device aims to enhance user engagement by transforming routine typing into an immersive choreographic exercise, industry insiders revealed at a subdued…
-
Final Trailer For ‘Roofman’ Promises Oscar-Worthy Performances From CGI Shingles And Human Lead
Los Angeles, CA – In anticipation of its much-hyped awards season debut, the final trailer for Lamprey Studios’ “Roofman” released Thursday morning, showcasing what critics are calling “possibly the best digital shingle work since the revival of Mary Poppins.” The trailer features lead actor Glenn Roswell’s stoic portrayal of Henry Slate—an aging roofer struggling with…
-
Nation Breathlessly Awaits Outcome of Football Game to Determine Fate of Auburn’s Entire Future, No Pressure
Auburn, AL – As kickoff looms for Saturday’s long-anticipated matchup, the United States finds itself collectively paralyzed, awaiting final resolution of not only the football game but, by steady federal decree, the comprehensive future of Auburn, Alabama. The game, a decisive contest between Auburn University and its longstanding rival, is widely acknowledged as the pivotal…
-
Vince McMahon Unveils New WWE Character Based on His Therapist’s Therapy Goat, Fans Question Reality
Stamford, CT – WWE chairman Vince McMahon surprised viewers Wednesday evening by introducing a new wrestling persona, “Dr. Billie the Therapy Goat,” a character reportedly inspired by his personal therapist’s support animal. The unexpected debut during the flagship “Monday Night Raw” immediately prompted confusion among fans and industry analysts alike, many of whom expressed concern…
-
Senate to Decide Whether to Kick Fiscal Can Down the Road or Just Abandon Can Altogether
Washington, D.C. – In a move financial analysts are calling “entirely foreseeable,” the U.S. Senate convened Wednesday morning to debate the future of the nation’s fiscal can, with two primary options on the table: continuing to kick it further down the legislative road, or abandoning the can altogether in hopes it will resolve itself. Sources…
Portuguese 
English