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Senator Uncovers Secret Clause in Hospital Consent Forms: “May Also Grant Doctor Ownership of Your Firstborn
Washington, D.C. – In what congressional aides are calling “a routine document review,” Senator Marjorie Ballston (D-ME) claimed Wednesday to have identified a heretofore unnoticed clause buried within standardized hospital consent forms offering patients the option to grant their attending physician full custodial rights to any firstborn children. The clause, appearing only in fine italic…
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Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm
Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum…
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World Leaders Confidently Predict Enduring Peace Right After Latest Conflict Reaches Perfectly Balanced Chaos
Geneva – As diplomats from 78 nations concluded the latest round of peace talks, world leaders expressed unanimous and unwavering confidence that enduring global harmony is imminent now that the most recent international conflict has stabilized into what officials describe as “a perfectly balanced state of chaos.” President Sofia Mertz of the United Global Council…
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Philosophy Department Introduces ‘Advanced Nihilism’ Course; Students Eagerly Await Graded Meaninglessness
New Haven, CT – Yale University’s Philosophy Department announced this week the launch of “Advanced Nihilism,” a 400-level seminar exploring the theoretical and practical applications of meaninglessness. The course, set to begin this fall, has already reached its enrollment cap, with students citing both an urgent desire for academic challenge and the comfort of well-structured…
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Tech Giants Unveil New AI Feature: ‘Consent’ Now an Optional In-App Purchase
San Francisco, CA – In a move that industry leaders describe as “disruptively customer-centric,” several major technology companies jointly announced today the rollout of a new artificial intelligence feature, in which the concept of “consent” has been reimagined as a premium in-app purchase. The innovation, which will appear across a range of widely used social,…
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Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration
Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined. According to…
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Middle East Achieves Unified Agreement to Disagree as New Peace Deal Sets Record for Most Simultaneous Rejections
Geneva – Diplomats from across the Middle East have hailed a historic breakthrough this week as every major party signed onto a new peace framework known as the “Unified Agreement to Disagree.” The accord, brokered under the auspices of the United Nations’ Subcommittee on General Ambivalence, marks the first time in diplomatic history that a…
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Tech CEOs Admit to Embezzlement for Tax Purposes, Insist It’s Just Good Business Strategy
San Francisco, CA – In a coordinated announcement early Wednesday, several of America’s leading tech CEOs admitted to systematic embezzlement of company funds, arguing that the practice is an “overlooked but powerful” tax optimization strategy. The press conference, hosted in a Palo Alto co-working space decorated with reclaimed bitcoin servers, drew executives from eight Fortune…
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Nation Holds Breath as Government Shutdown Threatens to Finally Prove Middle Management is Non-Essential
Washington, D.C. – As federal agencies brace for the midnight deadline that could shut down nonessential operations, economists and management consultants nationwide are nervously monitoring what they call “the greatest natural experiment in American middle management since the invention of PowerPoint.” Several White House senior staffers reportedly spent the morning tabulating which agencies’ custodial, front-line,…
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Tyra Banks Unveils Revolutionary “Cold Hot Sauce” as World Prepares for Culinary Paradox Pandemic
Los Angeles, CA – Supermodel-entrepreneur Tyra Banks announced the launch of “Cold Hot Sauce” this Monday, inviting fans, food scientists, and public health officials alike to reckon with what she calls a “tangible flavor paradox.” Speaking in front of an installation featuring snowmen sweating beside bowls of jalapeños, Banks described her invention as “a sauce…
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