NFL Implements New Rule Mandating Coaches to Use Only PG-13 Expletives While Mic’d Up

In a groundbreaking move to clean up football’s image, the National Football League announced Wednesday a new regulation requiring coaches to limit their on-field language to PG-13-rated expletives while wearing live microphones. The policy has been warmly received by parents, sponsors, and sitcom writers out of ideas for new content.

“We understand the importance of fostering a family-friendly atmosphere,” said NFL Spokesperson Linda Yardline during a press conference adorned with applause, laughter, and a new line of “Family First Football” merchandise. “From now on, coaches can only express frustration through curses that you wouldn’t mind hearing on a rebellious teen’s loudspeaker.”

The decision follows a three-month study conducted by the newly-founded Committee on Appropriate Wailing (CAW), which statistically analyzed microphone-enhanced lip movements during standout games. Their findings revealed that a whopping 87% of all field-related profanity had an alarming R rating.

Bill O’Bluster, head researcher at CAW, explained, “Our data played Paramount Plus right back at the NFL. Parents are sick of explaining ‘linebacker lingo’ to their kids. By dialing it down to PG-13, we ensure a safer stadium for the English language.”

In anticipation of a new wave of speech creativity on mic’d up segments, the NFL has provided coaches with a short list of sanctioned phrases, including “fiddlesticks,” “gosh darn it,” and the notably harsh “rascally rickshaw.”

Bill “The Balderdash” Limington, renowned for his expressive sideline performances, expressed divided feelings. “When you’re penalized for a completed forward pass, shouting ‘bananas’ somehow doesn’t capture the essence of the moment. But hey, maybe the concession stand will offer free thesauruses now.”

The League reassured viewers that an upcoming digital platform, the PG-13 Play Coach Train, will run workshops featuring acting coaches to teach players how to communicate with genuinely forced enthusiasm, mirroring the charismatic subtlety of a primetime soap opera.

Critics, however, speculate whether the NFL’s move will banish spontaneity from the gridiron. “Today’s teams risk transforming their identity,” lamented Bruce Blitz, sports culture historian and author of “The Last Real Romantics: Grid Iron Giants’ Swear-Laden Love.”

Despite the outcry, officials expect the family-approved vocabulary to proliferate across the league, daringly suggesting children might soon settle debates with “What the fiddlenoodle?” while audiences chuckle over the mild intensity.

As the season progresses and microphones remain turned up, only time will tell whether this regulation marks a fresh chapter of youthful appropriateness or ensnares chaos in euphemisms. In the interim, the next big game is expected to open not with a roar, but with a convincingly scandalous, “Oh, bologna.”