New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles

DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods.

The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on Ford’s newest line of trucks, allows drivers to effortlessly convert their vehicles into mini-excavators at the touch of a button. The automated system uses proprietary technology involving a retractable cow catcher, pneumatic drills, and a hydraulic shovel to create holes with unprecedented speed and efficiency. “We’ve reimagined the driving experience,” proclaimed Ford’s lead engineer, Ted Trumbleton, who demonstrated the mode by obliterating an unsuspecting shrub live on national television.

Expert response to the ‘Dig Mode’ announcement was swift. “This is a watershed moment in automotive capability,” stated Dr. Clarissa Terrapin, head of Vehicular Innovation at the Institute of Extraneous Gadgets. “Though it’s unclear which waters will remain above ground once these vehicles start tunneling through the suburbs,” she wryly added. The development has inspired home-improvement enthusiasts nationwide, who see it as a way to bypass costly professional excavation services while unwittingly undermining their own septic systems.

Alarmed by possible repercussions, Congress has acted quickly to draft emergency legislation aimed at regulating the explosive popularity of accidental mole populations. “We cannot afford a landscape overrun by spontaneous subterranean wildlife,” lamented Senator Rodney Grumbletine, who highlighted a recent incident in which a team’s picnic was unexpectedly relocated to Cavernsville by a wayward F-150.

Local governments are also feeling the impact. City planners in Cincinnati reported a sudden rise in unauthorized sinkholes during rush hour, leading to widespread confusion and an impromptu game of car roulette. “The need for clear regulations on recreational drilling has never been more apparent,” declared Sheila Plotch, spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Overzealous Engineering (FBOE).

Meanwhile, ordinary citizens are left to share in the irony, as the very legislation designed to curtail mole proliferation reportedly contributed to a marked increase in rampant bureaucracy, not to mention the inadvertent creation of an underground mole-wing of government. “We’ve always believed in the American principle of digging one’s own hole,” commented Ford with no sense of irony, “but perhaps it’s time we consider how deep we’re willing to go.”

In a closing observation that encapsulated the precarious balance between innovation and chaos, Professor Ed Kickstart of the Center for Irresponsible Tech summed it up succinctly: “The road to progress is paved with good intentions—and, occasionally, unintentional labyrinthine networks beneath our very feet.”