Nation Sighs in Relief as Government Shutdown Frees Congress from Burden of Governance

Washington, D.C. – With the stroke of midnight and a unanimous lack of urgency, the United States Congress slipped happily into a government shutdown, welcoming—if indirectly—the sudden liberation from the labor of governance. Lawmakers from both parties collectively exhaled on the Capitol steps, buoyed by the knowledge that, technically, nothing substantive would be expected of them for the foreseeable fiscal impasse.

The shutdown, a ritual occurrence noted with increasing regularity, arrived after weeks of protracted debate over spending bills that neither side could remember the specifics of. In a statement issued at 12:01 a.m., House Speaker Meredith Withers conveyed “widespread institutional relief” following what she termed “an emotionally draining season of pretending to legislate.” Congressional staffers, long recognized for their tense expressions and intricate badge systems, were observed leisurely removing their shoes in hallways and challenging security robots to friendly games of Scrabble.

An internal analysis by the nonpartisan Center for Legislative Well-Being found that legislative productivity, measured in bills introduced and ignored, improved to record lows overnight. “It’s not really about passing laws anymore,” explained legislative historian Dr. Fenton Malloy. “In recent years, the preferred method of governance has been rapid withdrawal. Our data show a 78% increase in congressional humming and chair-spinning during shutdowns.” Malloy noted similar patterns in other democracies, but stated that only the U.S. had mastered the art of mass-napping in session.

As agencies shuttered and the public faced dwindling services, members of Congress reportedly took to pursuing personal interests. Sen. Lyle Remick (R-MA) hosted an impromptu origami seminar in the rotunda, producing several passable cranes and a deeply troubling facsimile of a tax return. Meanwhile, the newly formed House Committee on Lack of Activity quickly tabled its own creation and moved to adjourn. Legislative aides distributed commemorative “Shutdown and Chill” tote bags to those entering the cloakroom, while marble busts in the Capitol began to display subtle expressions of smug satisfaction.

However, experts warn that unintended consequences may yet arise. According to federal guidelines, a shutdown lasting longer than six days automatically triggers the Office of Unfinished Business, a little-known subcommittee responsible for archiving unresolved quarrels in temperature-controlled vaults. Unverified reports surfaced early this morning of lawmakers attempting to smuggle minor appropriations bills past the janitorial staff, who acted with dignified indifference. Elsewhere, the Library of Congress announced a temporary pivot to interpretive dance as its “primary form of recordkeeping,” citing paper shortages and general ennui.

At press time, there was little appetite on Capitol Hill for resuming official duties. A bipartisan statement summed up the new mood: “For the first time in months, we have nothing to do—and somehow, that feels like responsible leadership.” Observers predict that with proper management, Congress may soon discover even more inventive ways to evade governing, ushering in what some are calling “a golden age of restful inactivity.”