Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention

ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions.

The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board members and one former lifeguard, claims its unique approach will succeed where traditional policy tools have failed. “Our research shows that approximately 79% of city mismanagement stems from insufficient recognition and a lack of corrective discipline,” declared party chair Brenda Villette, holding up a laminated chart during a press conference. “Gold stars for excellence. Detention for infractions. These methods shaped civilization, and now they will shape Albany.”

Initial reaction from entrenched politicians was effusively positive. Mayor Greg Feldstone, now wearing a custom ASP sash, praised the return to “order and positive reinforcement,” recalling fond memories of sticker charts from his fourth-grade career week. Feldstone confirmed plans to replace merit-based bonuses with star stickers, which council members can redeem for access to improved parking spaces, city-branded gel pens, or, in rare cases, a fifteen-minute “Loud Voice Privilege Mask.” The mask, an oversized cardboard mouth, grants the wearer the sole power to audibly express dissent during meetings.

Under the new system, policy compliance will be monitored by monitors recruited through a city-wide “hall pass” program. Violators will attend mandatory after-dusk detentions in the municipal gymnasium, where, according to the draft ordinance, they must “reflect quietly on their decisions with crayons provided by Human Resources.” Suspensions, previously reserved for grave ethics violations, can now be imposed for “habitual tardiness, inappropriate recess behavior, and unsanctioned use of the mayor’s swivel chair.”

Implementation complications quickly emerged. City Manager Roy Zugler was reportedly placed on lunchroom isolation status after attempting to bribe a monitor with chocolate milk. Meanwhile, the council’s new “bathroom pass” registry accidentally locked four aldermen inside a supply closet due to a misapplied accountability flowchart. “We’re learning as we go,” said ASP’s Deputy of Routine, Ms. Freedle, consulting her color-coded warning slip ledger.

Despite these hurdles, enthusiasm remains high. A recent survey by the Institute for Serious Solutions found that residents already reported a 63% increase in “feeling noticed,” though 35% now purchase gold-star stickers on the black market to inflate their public rapport. Area businesses have begun offering discounts to customers displaying at least two city-issued stars and a satisfactory incident log.

Success will be measured quarterly, based on star accumulation and a “General Temperament Score” to be set by a yet-to-be-appointed Feelings Czar. Villette is optimistic: “If all goes well, we’ll consider nap mats and juice breaks to further incentivize excellence.”

After several council members were caught trading stickers for committee chairmanships, the Adult Supervision Party indicated it may need to introduce a “Principal’s Office” protocol. For now, the gymnasium remains stocked with crayons and the promise of transformative discipline reverberates through the corridors of city hall.