Portsmouth, NH – The Portsmouth Griffins women’s field hockey team notched a historic victory Saturday by prevailing over both their crosstown rival and, in a surprise twist, a brief outbreak of collective existential dread during the championship round of the 49th Annual New England Invitational. Tournament organizers lauded the Griffins’ tenacity in overcoming “formidable psychological weather patterns,” a newly coined metric now central to post-match analytics.
The game, refereed by a staff of five and observed by over three dozen live-stream viewers, began routinely as the team deployed their well-reviewed 4-5-1 formation against the Nashua Knights. However, halfway through the second quarter, witnesses reported a dense hush falling over the pitch as all 22 players became visibly immobilized, staring skyward and gesturing vaguely toward the horizon. Lead referee Brian Houghtaling immediately enacted rule 17B, “pause of play for ontological recalibration,” and summoned both coaches for a conference.
Team psychologist Dr. Marlene Cripps issued disposable blindfolds and recited “The Portsmouth Affirmations” into a discounted PA system. According to Dr. Cripps, the team’s existential episode was triggered by a pregame playlist remix featuring Radiohead’s “Everything in Its Right Place” intercut with selected passages from Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus. Field hockey officials confirmed ambient malaise levels peaked at 8.6 on the SARTRE (Subjective Apprehension of Relatedness To Real Existence) scale before gradually receding.
Remarkably, as the Griffins resumed play, defenders resolved their collective sense of futility and executed a reverse sweep, scoring twice in rapid succession. “We realized that achievement is arbitrary and all rewards are temporary, but honestly, it was still nice to win,” said co-captain Elise Fontaine. “Also, our team dinner is at Applebee’s and the queso has intrinsic value, no matter what Thomas Nagel says.”
Tournament director Lennart Seville described the recovery as “an unprecedented demonstration of mid-game resilience.” The International Field Hockey Federation (FIH) has since issued new guidelines for in-game existential incidents, including provision of therapy owls and existentialist quote embargoes during timeouts. Meanwhile, The UN’s Department for Sport-Supported Detente announced that, encouraged by the match’s therapeutic example, global peace talks will now be scheduled for next season’s semifinals, conditions permitting.
Officials maintain that the Portsmouth Griffins will retain their title until either existential dread or the Nashua Knights make another successful appeal. At press time, negotiations continue regarding whether post-match trophy celebrations should be accompanied by Sartrean readings, or whether, as one player suggested, “everybody should just eat the queso and not think too hard about it.”
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