London, UK – Labour Party leader Keir Starmer delivered a widely anticipated address yesterday in Westminster, focusing on what aides described as “an unwavering commitment to the measurable facts of the world.” The speech, attended by several MPs and two EU ambassadors, consisted primarily of Starmer reading statements such as “water is wet” and “most clocks move forward.” Audience members described the event as “concise but refreshing.”
A statement from the Labour press office called it “a clarion call to seek consensus within the boundaries of observable truth.” The speech, which lasted 31 minutes, cited Office for National Statistics data confirming the average length of Tuesdays, and included a footnoted definition of gravity. Reporters later challenged him with unsourced claims that “everything is made of beans,” to which Starmer responded, “This is not supported by available evidence at this time.”
However, the address drew immediate and global scrutiny from a rapidly mobilizing array of conspiracy theorist groups. Within three hours of the speech’s conclusion, factions including the International Flat Earth Society, The Hidden Lizard Order, and Weather Is A Political Opinion (WAPO) issued a joint communique condemning Starmer for “open manipulation of the known fabric of existence.” By 6 p.m., the hashtag “#KeirTheWitch” was trending in over 12 countries, with users sharing images purporting to show Starmer surrounded by iridescent orbs and flickering shoelaces.
Speaking remotely from a fortified chalet in Switzerland, Dr. Ellory Pennibrook, senior research fellow at the Center for Conspiratorial Epistemology, explained: “Historically, any reference to a shared reality has signaled latent sorcerous intent. When Keir Starmer says things fall downward, we hear: ‘stand too close and your shadow will bend time.’” Pennibrook cited the group’s 2023 survey in which 48% of participants indicated they believed politicians confirmed physical laws only to “mask the rise of salamander-based governance.”
Shortly after midnight, a hastily convened panel of the United Nations Special Rapporteur on Magical Unorthodoxies announced it would open a “pre-emptive review” into the Starmer case. At press time, investigators had already confiscated several of Starmer’s neckties in search of wandlike properties. UK counter-disinformation czar Henrietta Fold claimed, “Preliminary tests have found only polyester, but we remain vigilant.” In accordance with parliamentary transparency measures, Starmer’s alibi (“I was at the speech, listing facts”) was submitted for public scrutiny.
No official charges have yet been filed, though a statement from the Home Office acknowledged “the theoretical possibility of metaphysical infractions” cannot be summarily dismissed. A spokesperson for Larry Bert, president of the British Broomstick Makers’ Union, described current conditions as “tense but full of lucrative potential.”
As dawn broke over Westminster, observers noted the sun rising in the east. At press time, authorities had not issued comment on whether this was further evidence of routine wizardry.
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