International Cricket Council Announces New Rankings Based on Players’ Ability to Dodge Accountability

In an unprecedented move aimed at redefining competitive integrity in sports, the International Cricket Council (ICC) has unveiled a revolutionary player ranking system based not on runs scored or wickets taken, but on a player’s uncanny ability to dodge accountability. The ICC’s announcement marks a new era for the sport, which will soon be rated on players’ skill in appearing both valuable and elusive.

The new rankings, called the Accountability Dodging Index (ADI), were developed after a years-long study led by the newly formed Department of Evasive Excellence, an ICC body comprised of former politicians and corporate executives who have personally honed the art of side-stepping responsibility.

“We believe accountability dodging represents a critical, albeit underappreciated, skill in cricket,” explained Sir Rupert Winkler, head of the department and former Ministry of Finance scapegoat. “Our players are known for their intense scrutiny under public and media microscopes. By rewarding their ability to evade this scrutiny, we are aligning the sport with modern cultural values.”

The Accountability Dodging Index will consider factors such as the frequency and effectiveness of vague statements made during press conferences, the skillful distribution of blame among teammates, and the deft manipulation of social media narratives to deflect fan criticism. Points will also be awarded for linguistic prowess in interviews, with bonus points for players who can utter at least five non-committal phrases per minute.

Reports indicate that former cricket legends have already begun lobbying for retroactive inclusion in these rankings. Alan “The Artful” Duckworth, a renowned batsman turned commentator, expressed delight at finally being recognized for his extensive track record of conveniently timed injuries that seemingly laid the groundwork for today’s dodging dynamos.

“During my heyday, no one appreciated the true talent it took to dodge accountability. Every ‘mystery limp’ was an unsung opera,” Duckworth lamented.

Critics of the new rankings cite concerns that players might prioritize evasion over performance, but analysis from the International Institute of Hindsight Research suggests such concerns are overblown. A landmark survey reveals that 78.6% of fans believe accountability is mostly an illusion, while another 92.3% reportedly said they “probably wouldn’t notice anyway,” provided the beer queues stay short.

In a sport known for its centuries-old traditions, the inclusion of dodging accountability as a central facet of competition promises to keep cricket ahead of its time. As the first ADI standings prepare for unveiling next quarter, industry insiders speculate that top contenders are already practicing new techniques, such as avoiding teammates’ eye contact and memorizing motivational clichés to deploy at strategic moments.

The ICC’s new rankings not only embody the modern spirit of the gentleman’s game but also gently remind us that in today’s dynamic field of play, it’s not how well you bat the ball, but how cleverly you duck what comes next.