Washington, D.C. – The Department of Health and Commercial Affairs unveiled a sweeping new policy measure Friday, the ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative, intended to stimulate domestic economic growth by encouraging citizens with treatable ailments to forgo recovery and, in the words of Secretary Nelson Draft, “keep their dollars circulating right here at home, along with their symptoms.”
The announcement follows a yearlong study by the Bureau of Convalescent Markets, which reported a 67% increase in U.S. citizens traveling overseas to receive affordable, effective treatment for chronic and acute illnesses. According to the report, “medical tourism” has extracted an estimated $41 billion annually from local hospitals, downmarket clinics, and ancillary industries such as tissue box vendors and bedpan suppliers.
Officials emphasized that ‘Stay Sick’ is less about decreasing access to healthcare and more about fostering a “robust environment of manageable maladies.” “We’re not advocating for people to get sicker,” Deputy Undersecretary Linda Perish clarified at Friday’s press conference. “We simply want them to remain consensually unwell, preferably with conditions that require frequent, but not life-saving, domestic expenditures—think allergies, muscle strains, or low-fever malaise.”
Rollout measures will include new ‘Wellness Withholding’ taxes on passengers departing for clinics in Zurich or Phuket, as well as modest incentives for citizens who can demonstrate “steady symptomatic engagement” with local providers. A pilot program in Columbus, Ohio, will issue rewards points redeemable at participating pharmacies for verified re-infection events, the first of its kind nationwide.
The policy was applauded by the National Congestion Society, which represents a consortium of tissue supplier unions and regional cough drop manufacturers. “At last, public suffering will be rewarded and, more importantly, monetized,” marveled president Harold Flummox, before being gently ushered offstage to attend to his persistent sinus drip. Critics, meanwhile, expressed concerns that the initiative targets the vulnerable and ignores root causes of medical flight. Others pointed to the provision that mandates “seasonal shivering” as a condition for qualifying winter energy subsidies.
Unique to ‘Stay Sick’ is the Institutional Re-Incubation Allowance, which provides local employers with grant funding to maintain ‘Wellness Cold Sheds’—windowless structures where mildly ill workers may swap bacteria and contribute to quarterly productivity metrics without exceeding their annual sick day quotas. “We see this as a win-win,” explained Dr. Susan Spleen of the Federal Office of Pathogenic Prosperity. “Employees keep working, businesses keep billing, and everyone keeps a little tickle in the back of their throat.”
As the first round of compliance surveys is distributed to households nationwide—inquiring after lingering coughs, unexplained rashes, and commitment to domestic malaise—the Department of Health confirmed that those reporting full remission should expect additional tax penalties and be prepared for a visit from the Motivation Enforcement Unit.
Analysts anticipate a slight short-term dip in GDP as healthy individuals are sorted and reprimanded, but project robust growth in sectors such as home Kleenex delivery and tepid soup logistics. Citizen reaction has been muted, with many reportedly too tired to comment.
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