In a groundbreaking decision that will change the internet as we know it, the Federal Communications Commission granted explicit approval on Thursday for YouTube’s latest innovation: an autoplay algorithm capable of instantly streaming content from parallel universes. The ruling, passed by a 3-2 vote despite Commissioner Pai’s reservations about “quantum click fraud,” clears the way for the feature’s nationwide rollout by July.
The algorithm, officially codenamed “Multiverse NextUp,” promises to ensure users never see the same unboxing video twice—even if that means watching themselves unbox a different toaster in a world where bananas are blue and everyone communicates by whistling Barry Manilow tunes.
“We felt the current autoplay options were inadequate for an age of infinite boredom,” stated YouTube’s Chief Chrono-Content Engineer, Dr. Mira Tangelo. “With Multiverse NextUp, someone can finish a TED Talk on string theory and the algorithm will seamlessly autoplay a video from a dimension where the TED Talk is delivered by a sentient worm on stilts. It’s truly boundaryless discovery.”
The move follows complaints from users who found themselves stuck in endless loops of similar videos, such as “cat knocks over lamp” and “10-hour loop of cat thinking about knocking over lamp.” Recent surveys suggest 87% of all recommended YouTube content currently involves ill-tempered pets, ASMR, or disgraced former magicians reviewing cryptocurrency. The new algorithm, by contrast, boasts a 93% chance of suggesting something both “stiltingly bizarre and existentially threatening,” according to data provided by YouTube’s transdimensional analytics team.
To access the feature, users need only click “Autoplay: On (Across All Plausible Timelines)” in settings. Early beta testers have reported mixed experiences. “First it was a guy making sourdough bread. The next video was me, but with green hair, explaining to 500,000 subscribers how to make bread without flour, water, or shame,” said Kansas user Michelle Pevensie. “Honestly, it was more refreshing than the time I got stuck watching late-night compilation videos of alpacas eating spaghetti.”
Not all reactions have been positive. Critics, including watchdog group Unified Concerned Parents (UPC), fear the unpredictable algorithm could expose impressionable youths to universes with “looser laws of physics and, potentially, more relaxed attitudes toward dental hygiene.” Their Change.org petition notes, “Our children shouldn’t have to witness alternate versions of themselves failing math, becoming famous architects, or living in worlds where homework is illegal.”
Meanwhile, advertising partners are struggling to adapt. “We’re trying to develop ads that make sense on every conceivable Earth,” explained YouTube commercial integration strategist Ron Frucklejohn. “For instance, our recent promotion for laundry detergent now references six different water states and three accepted forms of gravity. It’s not easy selling freshness in a reality made of molten cheese.”
Technologists hail the approval as a major leap forward in personalized streaming. “The algorithm leverages quantum indeterminacy and deep learning to predict which parallel-you is most likely to not skip ads,” said Stanford quantum marketing professor Dr. Heidi Clemp. “It’s the ultimate data harvesting—across the entire multiverse. There’s really nowhere left to go but sideways.”
In anticipation of user confusion, YouTube has published a new help page, “So Your Cat Has Four Heads Now: Common Questions About Multiverse Autoplay.” The document encourages users to “embrace any newfound existential dread” and assures them that the autoplay function “should eventually circle back to familiar reality, statistically speaking.”
When reached for comment, FCC spokesperson Larry Withers offered reassurance. “As a regulatory body, we remain committed to ensuring that Americans have unfettered access to content both dazzling and deeply unsettling, no matter how many universes it takes.”
Insiders report YouTube is already beta-testing a “rewind” feature that allows users to undo regrettable viewing choices by wiping their memory in seventeen adjacent realities. “The future of streaming is infinite,” one developer enthused, “and, honestly, a little disturbing.”
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