Democracy on Autopilot: Voters to Choose from Pre-Selected Menu of 17 Amendments While Unseen Forces Draft 18th in Crayon

Washington, D.C. – Americans heading to the polls this November will be greeted by a “streamlined ballot experience,” according to the Federal Office of Voter Efficiency. In an unprecedented move, citizens will be invited to vote on a neatly curated menu of 17 constitutional amendments, each numbered and explained in a single sentence, as part of the agency’s commitment to “directed democratic engagement.” Officials state that while the amendment list has been finalized by bipartisan subcommittees, a discreet 18th amendment will be drafted concurrently by a select group operating behind soundproof glass panels.

The 17 amendments were chosen from a pool of 31,782 public suggestions submitted over the past decade through the government’s participatory portal, ExpressYourDemocracy.gov. Securing public trust, the National Ballot Curation Board claims that its algorithm, overseen by both retired judges and an IBM Watson interface, ensured a representative spread—ranging from student loan forgiveness for amateur beekeepers to the mandatory reclassification of all animals as “companion citizens.” According to Dr. Mirella Skunt, head of the board, “It’s the future of efficient self-governance: choice, but less of it.”

Less transparent is the handling of the 18th amendment. According to the official ballot materials, the text of the 18th “will be finalized at the moment of tabulation,” the drafting responsibility having fallen to the Office of Unmanifested Mandates. This office, a subsidiary of the Department of Interior, has equipped its Amendment Composition Chamber with soothing music, ergonomic beanbags, and an unlimited supply of washable crayons. Sources inside the department reveal that five of the seven drafters have backgrounds in early childhood artistic therapy, and one is reportedly “on sabbatical from law school pending parole.”

Despite not having seen a draft or summary of the 18th amendment, voters are reassured by security features: “The crayon selection process is entirely nonpartisan and subject to monthly audits,” confirmed Deputy Undersecretary Gilda Moss. When asked if the color choice—most recently described as ‘marmot beige’—would affect legal interpretation, officials referred to a 1997 decision affirming that “the hue of law is always in the eye of the implementer.”

Analysts predict that the unseen 18th amendment will almost certainly impact holidays, currency, or the binding status of traffic signals, though exact effects remain classified. In the event of tie votes or mass confusion, contingency tables have been distributed to all major urban intersections, with volunteers stationed to explain the amendment’s intent by means of interpretive dance.

The new process, described by observers as “democracy on autopilot,” has garnered mixed reactions. According to the latest Pew-LexisNexis Combined Sentimentometer, 46% of Americans feel “cautiously agog,” 37% report experiencing “unaccountable déjà vu,” and the remainder simply scribbled “see above” in response to all survey queries.

At press time, the Electoral Integrity Bureau was installing washable mural panels inside every polling station, allowing voters to express “freeform approval” of whatever amendment emerges from the Chamber. As Dr. Skunt concluded, “In a functioning republic, you don’t just cast a vote—you color within the lines provided.”