Congress Offers to Massage Kennedy’s Ego During Recovery

In a bold legislative move, Congress has proposed an unprecedented Ego Massage Protocol to aid Senator Kennedy in his recovery from impending rotator cuff surgery. The protocol, outlined in a 317-page document, includes mandatory compliments, strategically timed standing ovations, and a daily “Words of Affirmation” session conducted by a bipartisan committee. This initiative, spearheaded by the newly formed Subcommittee on Emotional Reassurance, aims to ensure that Senator Kennedy’s self-esteem remains unscathed throughout his rehabilitation process. Sources close to the subcommittee disclosed that the plan also involves a rotating schedule of senators tasked with delivering heartfelt personal anecdotes about Kennedy’s impact on their careers.

According to Dr. Ivan Bartlett, a psychologist with the Congressional Wellness Institute, the ego massage is scientifically designed to align with the senator’s psychological needs. “Our studies show that verbal affirmations increase the production of endorphins, which are crucial during physical recovery,” Dr. Bartlett stated while holding a stack of peer-reviewed papers that may or may not exist. The protocol has been met with mixed reactions, with some critics arguing that it sets a dangerous precedent for emotionally supportive policies in a traditionally stoic legislative environment.

While the Ego Massage Protocol is still pending approval, several lawmakers have already begun practicing their oratory skills in anticipation. Representative Linda Holmes of Illinois, who was overheard rehearsing in the hallway, expressed her enthusiasm: “I believe this initiative will not only speed up Senator Kennedy’s recovery but also foster a more empathetic atmosphere in Congress.” Meanwhile, a task force has been established to monitor any unforeseen psychological dependencies that may arise, ensuring that the senator’s ego does not inflate beyond socially acceptable levels.

Despite the ambitious nature of the protocol, concerns linger over its implementation during Congress’s already congested schedule. At press time, the Senate was reportedly considering a similar program to support legislators dealing with paper cuts and bruised egos from recent budget debates.