Congress Announces New Shutdown Game Show: “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?

Washington, D.C. – In response to mounting public frustration over recurring government shutdowns, Congressional leaders on Thursday announced a joint bipartisan initiative: a prime-time television game show called “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?” The program, produced in partnership with C-SPAN, will feature lawmakers from both chambers competing to see who can stall federal funding the longest while holding onto decades-old grievances.

According to the hastily convened Committee for Civic Programming (CCP), the new format is intended to increase “transparency and engagement” by transforming government impasse into family entertainment. “For too long, Americans have only seen shutdowns as legislative failures,” CCP Chairperson Muriel DeFarce said, holding up a glossy flyer depicting stone-faced senators clutching battens emblazoned with the year of their first political snub. “Now, they’ll witness the talent, strategy, and sheer pettiness that make this government special.”

Contestants will earn points by refusing to compromise on budget proposals, filibustering, and citing obscure parliamentary procedures. Bonus rounds reward the creative recycling of vendettas from prior congressional sessions; a pilot episode saw Senator Trent Rumsforth receive a standing ovation after stalling a highway bill by recounting, minute for minute, how long it took a rival in 1993 to acknowledge his birthday. According to early CCP polling, 64% of viewers “strongly relate” to the grudge-holding format, while 21% claim to have spotted their own landlord among the House majority whip’s legal team.

To ensure procedural authenticity, producers have constructed a replica of the Capitol Rotunda filled with artificial echo chambers. The program’s rules stipulate that lawmaking may only resume after a contestant admits personal fault while wearing the ceremonial “Cloth of Concession,” a garment rumored to be woven from the 1986 continuing resolution. “This is a new era of participatory gridlock,” said House Minority Leader Jade Blatter, whose decade-long feud over post office naming rights is considered the front-runner narrative for Season 1.

First prize consists of a lifetime supply of symbolic gavels and naming rights to the National Park Service’s least-visited gazebo. Runners-up receive a commemorative plaque inscribed with every bill they personally obstructed, as well as the continued adulation of PACs specializing in legislative stagnation. Reports indicate that several subcommittees have formed exploratory groups on whether to recognize the show’s eventual winner as Speaker Pro Tempore, pending further deadlock.

“America loves competition, and gridlock is our national pastime,” CCP concluded in a press release. Audiences are encouraged to vote daily for their favorite obstructionist via an official app, though it remains unavailable pending resolution of a licensing dispute. Congressional leaders have hailed the initiative as tangible proof that, even in times of dysfunction, American ingenuity finds a way to innovate.