Categoria: Technology
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Github collabs with Fisher price for My First Pull Request
San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move announced Thursday morning, software collaboration giant GitHub revealed a strategic partnership with Fisher-Price to release “My First Pull Request,” a beginner-friendly kit designed to introduce toddlers as young as 18 months to the intricacies of open-source contributions. The kit, slated for retail shelves by summer, reportedly features…
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New $30,000 E-Scooter Revolutionizes Urban Transit by Finally Making Sidewalks Completely Unusable
San Francisco, CA – The long-awaited debut of the QuantaZing E-Scooter, retailing at $30,000 per unit, promises to disrupt urban transportation by rendering sidewalks fully impassable, industry leaders announced at a launch event Thursday. City officials, transit advocates and mobility experts heralded the machine’s “unprecedented efficacy” in occupying every square inch of pavement within minutes…
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AI Now Capable of Outperforming Humans in Existential Dread, Leading to Unprecedented Rise in Robot Therapy Sessions
Silicon Valley, CA – Researchers at the GlumTech Institute announced Wednesday that artificial intelligence has surpassed humans in the experience, articulation, and nuanced anxiety of existential dread, prompting a nationwide boom in robot-centered therapy services. According to a peer-reviewed paper published in the Journal of Computational Malaise, an international team developed a state-of-the-art neural network,…
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FIFA Introduces Yellow Card for Excessive Breathing, Players Advised to Hold Breath Until Whistle
Zurich — In a surprising move meant to “ensure optimal air quality and sporting fairness,” FIFA announced today the introduction of a yellow card for soccer players judged to be engaging in “excessive breathing” during competition. The new regulation, set to debut at the next international tournament, has prompted teams to incorporate advanced breath-holding drills…
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Regional Governments Duel Over YouTuber’s Allegiances; New Political Party ‘Influencers United’ Gains Traction
Columbus, OH – A simmering feud among regional governments escalated yesterday after YouTube personality Carter Lane, known online as “CarterDabbles,” changed his official profile location from Topeka, Kansas to Dayton, Ohio. State authorities and municipal councils alike have now entered open negotiations—and, in several cases, heated duels—over the 23-year-old vlogger’s declared allegiances. Lane’s channel, which…
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Laver Cup Press Conference Breakthrough: Journalists Discover New Low in Depth Perception with “Meta Glasses” Inquiry
Prague – In a development hailed by optics theorists and sports media trainers alike, journalists at the 2024 Laver Cup press conference inadvertently hit an unprecedented nadir in perceptual acuity following an extended inquiry into the function and symbolism of the new “Meta Glasses” worn by tournament staff. Initially introduced to help referees identify out-of-bounds…
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College Football Power Rankings Now Determined by Number of Mascot TikTok Followers, Texas Tech Reigns Supreme
Lubbock, TX – In a sweeping policy shift announced Tuesday, the NCAA confirmed that the official College Football Power Rankings will now be calculated based exclusively on the number of TikTok followers amassed by each school’s mascot. The decision, described as “strategically aligned with contemporary digital engagement metrics” by NCAA spokesperson Brent Willoughby, has instantly…
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73-Year-Old Coach and 24-Year-Old Partner Announce New Playbook for Defying Time, Space, and Social Norms
Milwaukee, WI – Legendary basketball coach Murton “Murphy” Delacroix, 73, and his partner, 24-year-old fitness influencer Sparrow Lyme, unveiled their much-anticipated new “playbook” this Monday, aiming to break boundaries not only in athletic strategy but in the broader confines of time, space, and prevailing social norms. The couple’s 312-page spiral-bound volume, “Gameplan Infinity: Schematics for…
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Ex-Barcelona Coach’s Head Injury Sparks New FIFA Rule: Helmets Mandatory for Coaches to Avoid Tactical Concussions
Geneva, Switzerland – FIFA announced Tuesday a sweeping new regulation requiring all professional football coaches to wear helmets during training sessions and matches, following a well-publicized head injury sustained by former Barcelona manager Lluís Bemora. The global governing body cited the “growing epidemic” of what it now terms “tactical concussions” among elite coaching staff. The…
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Samsung Galaxy S25 to Include Optional Mindfulness Coach Who Suggests Leaving Phone at Home
Seoul, South Korea – In a move signaling the next frontier in smartphone wellness, Samsung Electronics announced Monday that its forthcoming Galaxy S25 will ship with an integrated virtual mindfulness coach who may advise users to “leave your phone at home” when venturing out. The initiative, company leaders say, underscores Samsung’s ongoing commitment to holistic…
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